Gerry Adams crippled by debilitating illness

In an astonishing report released today, Gerry Adams' doctors revealed he was suffering from a debilitating medical condition where one side of the body is unaware of the actions of the other.

The illness was first suspected when, unknown to Mr Adams' normal writing hand, his left hand began signing official letters of the Belfast line dancing club as if Mr Adams were the chairman of an organisation club his right hand would not have dreamt of supporting.

"I am not, and never have been a member of that club," said Mr Adams.

Mr Adams then threw down the gauntlet (with his right hand) to members of the club who complained that when it really mattered he never came through with his promises. "If you can prove I am a member, then arrest me," he said somewhat overstating the seriousness of the situation.

"I don't know why we elected him," said a club spokesman while watching an emotional performance of Stand by your Man. "He swans around giving orders and then denies all knowledge when something important comes up. Take our recent decision to throw out all the 45s and replace them with CDs. It turns out he'd been keeping a stash all to himself, just in case."

The condition was originally discovered by boffins working for British Intelligence. Prior to Blair's invasion of Iraq, medical investigations revealed a microscopic retro-virus had infected the cabinet and most of New Labour. Epidemiologists traced the source of the virus back to Washington DC where it crossed over from monkey to man during the prime minister's visit to the Whitehouse. Unfortunately, no scientists were able to comment due to a spate of unexplained suicides.

Previously

• Sinn Fein fingered in IKEA riot bloodbath
• IRA crime claims derail peace process
• IRA responsible for deaths, shocked Congress told