Church of England rent asunder by gay thunderbolt

Church of England clergy floundered in a quagmire of double-entendres, political correctness and homophobia in London today when they met do discuss how to react to the ordination of a homosexual Bishop in the USA.

Insiders expressed concern that the Church was splitting into two camps, with the North American camp being more camp than the Afro/European camp. Which is not to say that the latter camp is in any way in favour of campness although, paradoxically, many of its members are campanologists.

The retiring Rector of Tooting St Mary's in Sussex (Rev. Dr. Thompson, aged 85) woke during the debate and declared himself "very gay indeed". Despite repeated attempts to shut the old buffer up, he went on to declare: "I've been gay ever since I first attended Sunday school. My wife is gay, our seven children and 25 grandchildren are gay and I hope that the joy and love of Jesus Christ has spread a similar feeling of carefree happiness through all my congregation."

As two arch-deacons wrestled him to the floor he was heard to proclaim: "I think I am at my gayest when leading the choir-boy's glee club outing."

Just as order was being restored two junior curates in the back row were overheard giggling uncontrollably. Investigation revealed that one had drawn a surprisingly artistic representation of the Archbishop of Canterbury, naked and holding an unfeasibly large crozier.

After the miscreants were ejected the Archbishop mounted the podium and proclaimed: "I am going to come out…" (a coughing fit at this point interrupted his speech) "…and proclaim my position to be right behind the Bishop of Mombassa…" He paused to take a drink of water. "I have nothing against homosexuals, I bend over backwards to accommodate their needs but at the end of the day you don't want it rammed down your throat…" Turning over two pages he continued: "...frankly, many of us would prefer a nice cup of cocoa."

He then stopped to rearrange his notes, before declaring: "No, I am no more prejudiced than the next man of the cloth but we have to draw a line in the sand somewhere. We cannot ignore the Holy scriptures; remember Deuteronomy 22:11…" He paused as a puzzled murmur went around the room. A bible was hastily consulted and the Bishop concluded his address by explaining: "….we have tolerated the curse of mixed fibre clothing for too long. I find it difficult to wash and uncomfortable in hot weather, and as to the ironing - well it’s a nightmare…"

In a written press statement the Church of England summarised its position as follows:

Whilst we may be led by an old Queen we don't want old Queens leading our flocks. We love our neighbour and will turn the other cheek but not in any sense of same-sex anal penetration. We are an equal opportunities employer except in matters of gender and sexual orientation. The Archbishop of Canterbury has never knowingly used the phrase "Shirt-lifting arse bandit" to describe any other member of the clergy. We see no conflict between biblical law and the wearing of poly-cotton shirts although lightly starched cotton looks much smarter.

However, the Church of England's assertion as to Dr Rowan Williams' position on homosexuals sits ill with events last night which saw the Arch Homey of Canterbury burn an effigy of Freddie Mercury on the steps of St Paul's Cathedral whilst chanting "big up the BNP and down with the pillow biters!", Stan Martin reports.

St Paul's, famous for a number of failed marriages, particularly of a Royal nature, glowed with architectural radiance as the Archbishop continued by lifting up his neatly appointed garb to show himself wearing a pair of boxer shorts with "Essex boy hate gay fuc*kers" embroidered neatly in pink thereupon.

Prior to finding God, (under an upturned flower pot if his autobiography is to be believed), Dr Williams worked as a consultant gynaecologist for a noted Harley Street practice. Indeed, he was the first in the country to perform a labia trim on a particularly pendulous pair of saddlebags attached to Princess Anne. He also broke new ground with the Duchess of York's vibrating clitoral implant.

The Priests and American Paedophilia association, whose patron is the multi-talented international white artist Michael Jackson, heaped scorn on Dr Williams' actions and in a heated statement replied: "The English Church should get with the times bro'. A bit of boy-on-boy never hurt nobody. Better still, try a bit of man-on-boy in the manner of our Lord St Jacko of Wacko. Praise be!"

The head of the Catholic Church, Pope John Paul II, was unavailable for comment as he is currently in hospital following an operation to remove a love ball that became lodged in his throat during a particularly energetic anal session with Archbishop Desmond Tutu and a troop of Morris Dancers from Cornwall.

Previously

• Dear Dierdre: Primate in tizz over gay bish
• C of E considers opposite-sex marriages
• Very fabric of society threatened by appointment of gay Satanist dope-smoking Bishop