Church of Rockall rent asunder by gay thunderbolt

Feathers flew recently at a meeting of the Sacred Islet of Rockall's Church Synod. Amidst claims and counter-claims, several members of Rockall's clergy are said to have failed to practice what they have preached; ritualised gay sex amongst senior priests has been declining, whilst some parish vicars are openly, even rampantly, heterosexual. Even at the local level, where traditional values are normally well supported, numerous lay preachers stand accused of refusing to get laid.

Meanwhile, in a further deepening of the crisis in religious education, a controversial splinter cell of radical bishops have proposed that all Rockall schools should lose their traditional secular status and become fully-fledged medieval theocracies. The bishops, whose extremist views include abolishing cross-species marriage and de-legalising seaweed, are further proposing that the wearing of a religious head-covering — the traditional "Souvenir of Rockall" tea-towel — should be made compulsory in schools at all times. Especially amongst females.

The hardline group are understood to have sought help from the secretive Opus Hey! organisation, a worldwide voodoo-help group for government ministers with special needs. In a gesture of compromise with the wider public, six "Senior Faith Crabs" have been enlisted by the bishops to try to avert a damaging split with the Islet's minority crustacean community. It is understood that the crabs — five Horseshoes and an Armed Hermit — will patrol the shoreline at low tide and distribute "Five Faith Promises" cards to any Islet resident who will lend a shell-like.

This is not the first time that Rockall has found itself mired in religious controversy. The Gull Buggery Trials left an indelible mark on the previously wholesome nature of religious practice, and few visitors to the Islet's places of worship can fail to have noticed the distinctly fishy — some brave folk would even go so far as to say "Danish" — atmosphere in some parish pews.

It remains to be seen as to whether the splits and the proposed new school laws will damage the Sacred Islet's otherwise impeccable image abroad. On leaving the Press Gallery after the meeting, The Rockall Times spoke to one nearby non-believer, who didn't want to be named for fear of a visit from the Faith Correction Squad. As she turned her weatherworn face towards us she spoke, we believe, for many ordinary Rockallites: "I haven't got time for all this guff. I've got seventeen kids from my last hatching alone, and two of them are already refusing to wear their tea-towels. What am I supposed to do? I'm out all day scavenging as it is, and as for my old man... well, lets just say that these days he never comes out of his shell"

Previously

• Very fabric of society threatened by appointment of gay Satanist dope-smoking Bishop
• Crowds flock to the miracle chair of Porto
• Vicar opens fete