Lib Dems wipe down their stain-resistant manifesto

In light of the electoral successes of Mr Toby Blair in 1997 & 2001, Mr Nigella Kennedy, Opposition politician, virtuoso violinist and sensuous cakemaker, has adopted a familiar three-word slogan for the launch of his General Election campaign. Believing mimicry to be the sincerest form of flattery, Mr Kennedy chose a packed nursery school to expand on his new initiative, saying "Ask me my three priorities... masturbation, masturbation, masturbation."

Opinion is divided as to whether the Lib Dems are now openly targeting the stay-at-home voter, particularly in the volatile 35-year-old-male-virgin demographic. Speaking afterwards in an exclusive interview with The Rockall Times, the jovial carrot-topped politician — whose Skye & Kinross Constituency is closer to Rockall than to Westminster — warmed to his theme: "Well it's simple enough. My theory is that in the past our manifesto has been deliberately vague; we've left lots to the imagination. So with that in mind, we've now decided to move a further step forward and make all of our policies completely imaginary."

Of all the main political leaders, we can categorically state that Mr Kennedy is the most comfortable by far with North Atlantic Yeast Logic. Continuing our discussion in the more salubrious surroundings of The Glassy Stare, the genial would-be Prime Minister seemed to visibly relax, his familiar Western Isles gaelic becoming only slightly slurred, as he continued: "You know, with our new pocket-sized stain-resistant manifesto, your average voter can lie down with it at home — in the bath maybe, or in bed — in complete privacy, and let his or her imagination run riot."

As the lesser known "Little Bro'" in the respected American political dynasty, the young Nigella was used to playing 'second fiddle' to Jack, Robert and Teddy. And fiddle he did. (Who could forget the mischievous little boy seen peeping from under the tablecloth during the famous incident with JFK, Marilyn and the birthday cake?) It seems a lifetime spent in the shadow of greatness has been key to the development of the new Lib Dem doctrine, and the mantra "Almost as good as the real thing — some would say even better" now appears to be fixed in the political landscape for years to come.

Previously

• Government to outlaw the five-knuckle shuffle
• Masturbation 'positively benefits eyesight' survey shows
• Aussie PM exposed in trouser-snake tugging furore