Tories slam burgeoning nutter crisis

Some towns suffering 'complete lack' of insane cover

by Jeffery Archers-Goon

Strict EU guidelines governing the number of mentalists in the UK are being ignored by Labour, claims Tory Mental Health minister Sir Lyndersfarne Folds-Wood. In a recent 1am telephone call to the Rockall Health desk he told us: "Each and every town in Great Britain is allowed one mentalist, with a stock of 'flying loonies' being kept at district level to cover illness or heroin overdose. Under Labour, some towns totally lack any form of insane support, while others boast whole teams of mentals working in shifts."

We spoke to "fighting" Frank, a freelance veterinary surgeon and breeder of oily, malnourished scrapyard dogs, who lives in a former mining town. In a surprisingly candid interview he told us: "It's not like the old days. Years ago I could get on a bus with several semi-wild mongrels and just ride round all day, with nowhere to go and nothing to do. Now I have three towns and one village on my beat. One minute I'm chasing ten year olds down the main street bellowing, the next I'm pouring my heart out to a petrified stranger while chugging special brew. And no-one thanks you for it."

His colleague, "Mad" Alan, had a more positive outlook: "Can ah wash your car fer to buy some sweeties?" he mumbled from a pool of his own urine.

Despite the burgeoning nutter crisis, Sir Folds-Wood admitted that British insanity was a still a world leader, and pledged that under the Tory party — thanks to their far-reaching mass unemployment policies — the vast majority of neighbourhoods would have access to at least one mentalist. However, it seems that through a state-sponsored programme of cheap vodka, unemployment and poor living conditions, Russia is looking to flood the international Insane-Export market, threatening British hegemony.

Fyodor Bushkin, President of the Peoples Mentalist Commission boasted: "Our crazies can mumble, get drunk and lie in the middle of the road, grow huge beards full of food and scream at passers by for no apparent reason. We export to Germany, France and the USA and we've just had our first enquiry from a UK county council."

This worrying Russian mobilisation has caused some action in the government over the last few months. OFFLOON, a governing body with a full policy-making mandate was set up to try and stabilise Britain's free range stock and introduce a breeding programme, possibly in conjunction with Channel 4's Wife Swap. Other measures include doctors prescribing cheap strong cider to anyone with a tattoo on their face.

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Tories slam burgeoning nutter crisis

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