No-one loves me, cries Emperor Mourinho

The Emperor of Chelsea, Jose Mourninho, last week issued a decree to every man, woman a child across the UK ordering them to like him or "suffer the consequences".

The order, issued on the traditional blue papyrus from the solid-gold throne from which Mourniho gives his pre-match briefings while being fanned by naked West London slave women, condemned the lack of affection shown to the affable mananger, despite his successful campaign of conquest against the Mancunii, Arsenii and Scousorix tribes.

Mourinho claims that the subjugation of rival warlords Alexus Maximus Fergusonius and Arsene Wengorix, coupled to last week's bloody victory over Rufus Benitus — accomplished in one campaigning season and on a budget of just 860bn roubles — merits the unquestioning devotion and affection of the British people. Speaking to an invited audience of quivering sports hacks, Mourinho did, however, admit to being "occassionally brusque and cold" before ordering the immediate crucfixion of one reporter who asked an impertinent question about Chelsea's recent performance against Iberian superpower Barcelona.

"Take him away and nail him to the Shed End woodwork!" Mourinho screamed while unsheathing his sword and attempting to set about the panicked press pack. Only the timely intervention of the Stamford Bridge Praetorian Guard — led by Petronius Kenionius — prevented the enraged emperor from doing some serious damaged to Her Majesty's sporting press. Suitably calmed, Mourinho offered everyone present a Nubian slave and kit-bag crammed with Blues' merchandising "to demonstrate that I am indeed worthy of the peoples' love".

No-one present dared question Mourinho as to the what exactly the "consequences" of non-compliance with his decree might entail, but sources close to the throne suggest "exile to Arsenal" or "death in the arena" are likely punishments. "The last set of supporters who criticised his imperial mightiness' defensive policy were thrown naked into a ravine filled with Chelsea Headhunters' pitt bull terriers," warned one terror-struck lackey.

Previously

• Mourinho issues relocation decree
• Crowds flock to the miracle chair of Porto
• Chelsea's Mourinho lays down the law