Pie eaters wreck London Olympic bid

Lord Coe of Holloway, leader of London's audacious 2012 Olympic bid team, stares out of his Thames riverside penthouse window overlooking Highgate Cemetery. He has just received a fax with the message he did not want to hear. In fact, it's a message he never in his wildest dreams expected to hear. "I always thought London had a realistic chance of winning the games, although I always acknowledged the strength of the Paris bid. But this..."

This, as Lord Coe puts it, barely able to conceal his bile, will in years to come be known as "That Fax". In full it states: "The rumours are true. Wigan has pitched a last minute bid for the 2012 Olympic Games. The International Olympic Committee has endorsed the application and is now, as we speak, on their way up the M5 towards Tadcaster before taking a right to the greasy north and the dark hinterland of Wigan."

The mastermind behind the bid is Dave Whelan, 97, a local Wigan entrepreneur who made his money selling training shoes, Subbuteo accessories and dartboards. He owns 49.766 per cent of national conglomerate JJB Sports, half of local beauty spot Parbold Hill, and every sports club in the Greater Wigan area including Wigan Athletic, Wigan Warriors rugby league, Orrell rugby union and its lay-by, two pigeon racing clubs and a 1964 Aston Martin signed by Bob Willis. In last year's Rockall Times Rich List he appeared at number 201 — just edged out of the top 200 by celebrity chef Hank Marvin — and has an estimated wealth of £2.7bn.

We at The Rockall Times shared a Werther's Original and spoke to Whelan, known locally as Dave "Big Boy" Whelan, in his 9th Century mansion near Standish. Why the Olympics? Why Wigan? "Well, it were always an ambition of mine from being a young lad to see the greatest sporting events held in my home town. But then I left Bradford and came here. However, the ambition is still there, and in my twilight years — and I'll be a man and admit I'm not getting any younger — I thought it was high time to make yet another altruistic gesture to the town I love so dear."

Whelan has always thrived on the power of association. Having given up football following a devastating injury against Wolverhampton Wanderers in which he lost both his lips, Whelan sank every penny he had into a small shop. A marketing manager suggested renting first floor premises to avoid the higher ground floor rents; a sales executive suggested building mezzanine floors in out-of-town retail sheds to double the floorspace for the same price; a commercial director suggested avoiding planning laws by putting shops inside health clubs. "It's always a good idea to have the right people around you and keep them circulating." This, Whelan explains, is why he has sacked so many people in his time as a businessman.

For the Olympic bid, Whelan has brought in another local powerhouse executive, Maurice Lindsay, a high ranking personality in rugby league and author of the best selling book The Idiot's Guide to Water Sports. Lindsay met Whelan at a reunion of the semi-secret philanthropists' society "The Order of the Golden Shower". "David and I had a discussion last year," Lindsay told The Rockall Times last Monday, "and felt it was perfectly viable to bring the games to Wigan. We have the facilities, the infrastructure and certainly the money. All we needed to do was convince the International Olympic Committee to take us seriously."

The bid is certainly impressive. The JJB Stadium, a popular local nature reserve, will have its capacity increased from its current 20,000 to 80,000 and will be renamed the Dave Whelan Amphitheatre. Swimming will be held in a covered heated section of the Leeds Liverpool Canal, a first for this event. Equestrian events will take place at nearby Haydock Racecourse, while non-track and field events such as archery will be held at Begonia Farm on the outskirts of Leigh. A new horse-drawn tram system will link into Manchester's existing tram network and a hydrofoil ferry service will operate on the River Douglas between Appley Bridge and Wigan Pier.

How much will this cost? "Our revised final estimate is just over two billion pounds, give or take a few shillings. The money will come from releasing some of my shares in JJB Sports, selling 170 employees into prostitution and the rest from my own savings in the Trustee Savings Bank." Will it be worth it though? Judging by the look of agony on Lord Coe's face there is a lot to be won, or lost, when bidding for the games. Current odds put Wigan in third place behind Paris and Mogadishu, but crucially ahead of London.

Some critics, notably Will Self and Brian Sewell, have accused Whelan of dropping projects that don't return a big enough profit, of which he says: "You have to be sensible. You have to cut your cloth accordingly. When the local rugby union team wasn't producing the goods I sold it to South African game hunters. The demand for the life works of Pam Ayres tailed off sharply in the 1990s so I sold them to Dorling Kindersley. If the Olympics don't return a profit in 2012 I will certainly not be hosting them the year after."

For now all eyes are on sleepy Lausanne and the announcement in May. Where will the greatest sporting event on earth go: the city of love, timeless Paris; the exhilarating city of action, "dangerous" Mogadishu; or the patriarchal pie eating capital of the world, red brick Wigan. Lord Coe knows where the games should be, but his early optimism has just been blown out of the water.

Previously

• London Olympic bid 'in the bag'
• Britain reels after rollercoaster week of Olympic action
• Those UK Olympic prospects in full