Adams apologises for Provo outrage

Sinn Fein supremo Gerry Adams has apologised for IRA involvement in the Margaret Dixon outrage and has called for those responsible for the 69-year-old's suffering to give themselves up. He told a packed party conference that the NHS trust behind the repeated cancellation of Mrs Dixon's shoulder-rebuilding operation had "sullied the republican cause", while rejecting suggestions that he personally authorised the attempt to bring down Britain's health system.

Dixon was prepped for surgery on no less than 3/7/27/127* occasions, only to be told that the necessary High Dependency Unit bed was not available. Her subsequent complaint to local Tory operatives prompted a flying visit by Vlad the Impaler, eager to sink his teeth into the juicy, Labour-bashing human interest story. Within minutes, thousands of baying news crews had descended on Dixon's modest home in a frantic bid to captues images of the political football slumped in agony in front of a tank of good, honest, working-class goldfish.

For his part, health secretary John Reid was quickly airlifted to Warrington General Hospital where he indulged in a good half-hour of retaliatory grim-faced nodding as front-line staff related chilling tales of sick people occupying beds. Reid later declined to meet Dixon on the grounds that "I am not going to be dragged into a political slanging match with the Tories whose health policies resulted in Mrs Dixon's suffering in the first place, if my honourable friend would take a few minutes from draining the blood of virgins to recall," as he told a hastily-arranged press conference.

Despite this chilly atmosphere of political recrimination, top Northern Ireland security operatives are certain that rogue elements of the IRA are to actually to blame for Mrs Dixon's nightmare ordeal. "Nobody gets an HDU bed without Provo say-so," confirmed one top NI police officer, before adding: "And all NHS surgery waiting lists are personally vetted by Gerry Adams."

Adams, meanwhile, sought to distance his party from the scandal, telling conference delegates that the whole sordid affair had "brought the good name of republicanism into the dark". He has suspended seven Sinn Fein members suspected of involvement in mismanagement of North Cheshire Hospitals NHS Trust and demanded: "People who have information should come forward and those who carried out the crime should come forward and admit it — redeem yourselves."

Back In Westminster, Lib Dem big cheese Charles Kennedy attempted to chip in his two bits' worth but the only journalist available to hear his damning indictment of Labour health policy was a trainee sub from the Basingstoke Bugle. Every other hack worth his salt was out looking for a doe-eyed child with a tumour condemned to die by the government's shameful incompetence.

*Delete according to political expediency

Previously

• Sinn Fein fingered in IKEA riot bloodbath
• IRA crime claims derail peace process
• 'We will never negotiate with terrorists' — Blair