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  Monday 7th March 2005  World News   Powered by Yeast Logic
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Al-Qaeda flees uk

Triumph of anti-terror legislation
by How Tenji

Former Metropolitan Police Commissioner, Sir John Stevens, says that recent legislation has made the UK completely unsuitable as a base for international terrorism. The Government hailed this as evidence that their tough stance, in the face of considerable opposition from human rights groups, was justified.

Intelligence sources confirmed to day that EasyJet and Ryan Air flights to the continent were crammed with swarthy passengers sporting beards and strange tea-towel like head apparel.

A spokesman for EasyJet commented: "They were all headed for the South of Italy with their 'Kalashnikov' branded ski-bags and large packages of things a bit like sherbet fountains with string in the top. However, our security checks confirmed the had no nail-files, penknives or matches and they had all packed their own bags so we waved most of them through. We did find one of the passengers only had four and a half months left to run on his passport so we refused to let him fly; you can't be too careful these days."

A tape recording, believed to originate from sources close to Osama bin Laden, stated that: "Perfidious Albion has done it again. We were completely outflanked by you inscrutable poker-faced bastards. You put up a smoke-screen of house arrest and detention without trial but you knew that would only make us feel that Britain was a home-from-home."

The recording continued: "Secretly you used your so-called social security system to undermine our UK operation. The Child Support Agency was a master-stroke but they made such a total arse of collecting the money that we laughed at your degenerate society. However, the latest moves to make us share maternity leave with our many wives means we have no time to send so much as a quick letter bomb in between feeds, nappy changing and trips to the clinic. And as for teething, Allah preserve us, I was up four nights straight with a screaming one-year-old and my wives all still expected tea on the table and a comprehensive shagging when they got home from work. Believe me, Guantanamo Bay was a picnic in comparison!"

Al-Qaeda (UK) Ltd is believed to be relocating its head-office to Naples. Mafia bosses were quick to condemn the move as breaching EU regulations guaranteeing traditional industries protection in their region of origin. Italian Government sources indicate al-Qaeda should not expect the Carabinieri to intervene if the Mafia decide to use traditional methods to control competition.

Previously

 Go on then, hard man