Howard revelation rocks Tories

With an eagerness that verges on the admirable, the great British public await with barely-disguised apathy for their chance to vote in the upcoming general election. Pundits forecast widespread chaos at polling stations as the populace move as one oozing mass to mark their ballot papers. Returning officers in every constituency fear that not only will turnout be in the high tens, but that they may even have to take their socks off to count the extra numbers expected.

This week though, news has been leaked by an unnamed insider at Tory central office that will ensure a wild stampede to the polls and lift the lid on the simmering race hatred endemic in Britain today: The Rockall Times can exclusively reveal that Conservative Party Leader Michael Howard is Welsh.

Long thought to be a loveable speech impediment, it now transpires that his Loyd Grossman style vowel-mangling is not an accident of birth, but the discordant lilt of the Welsh valleys. Rumours have always been rife of Mr Howard's closet taffness, but until now this has always been strenuously denied by both fellow Conservative MPs and close family and friends.

Spin doctors are now in 24 hour attendance to Howard, famously described by Ann Widdecombe, body double for "Sloth" from the Goonies, as having "something of the cun*t about him", and are ministering to his every PR need, trying to bandage his once gleaming credibility. Straightforward denial seems to be the order of the day, the ghoulish Mr Howard truculently declaring: "I am decidedly not Welsh. I absolutely refute this potentially election losing suggestion. I am in fact the son of Romanian Jewish immigrants who fled anti-semitic persecution before the Second World War." As if to illustrate his point, he then launched into an impassioned rendition of "Better pick a pocket or two" from the musical Oliver, cavorting as an intriguing Fagin figure. He rounded off his impromptu song-and-dance routine with a stirring rendition of "If I were a rich man", hands tucked in braces in true peasant fashion.

"It's quite simple," he continued, "the public may well elect a Scottish, English or Jewish Prime Minister, but sure as shit sticks to a blanket they'll never vote for a Welshman."

Surprisingly, this seems to have caused a serious furore in certain quarters, particularly amongst members of the Welsh Assembly. An official cross-party spokesman issued a statement today declaring: "It's well known that Michael Howard is indeed Welsh, and any suggestion to the contrary is untrue. Just ask the members of the Llanelli Working Men's Club, where he was a regular in his youth. Many remember Michael ambling in regularly, and enjoying his solitary 50p pint of Allbright Bitter. Apparently, he always was a tight bastard."

Mr Howard alleges that his father, Bernat Hecht, was born and brought up in Ruscova in northern Transylvania; a village with a single street, a communal well and tiny homes. In this respect at least, Llanelli felt very much like home to Hecht, soon to change his name to Howard.

If true, allegations that Mr Howard is experiencing some sort of Celtic denial will come as no surprise to those who have observed such behaviour in others. The legendary figure of Shakin' Stevens was the biggest selling artist in the universe during the early 1980s. Idolised by female admirers and lionised by influential governments such as America and Rwanda, his recording career came to a premature end amid tawdry tabloid allegations of his Welsh roots. Despite strenuous denunciation on Mr Stevens' part, and his obvious attempts to cultivate an image as an ageing 50s rocker from Tennessee, Shakie was sent packing, teetering out of the limelight on the points of his expensive winkle-picker shoes.

Does a similar fate now await Michael Howard?

Previously

• Michael Howard in illegal immigrant grandfather shocker
• Howard goes for jugular with Rockall immigrant camp plan
• Conservatives will win next election: Official