Delia diner in chair mount rumpus

East Anglia shaken by shouting footie star

by Juan Sebastian Gaucho

A leading East Anglian footballer caused chaos in a local restaurant when he leapt onto a chair and launched into an impassioned speech demanding the food be brought forthwith to the table.

Matt Lawton, star midfield player with Lowestoft Rangers Old Boys second team, was with a family party at Delia Smith's diffusion restaurant The Offside Trap — situated just off the posher part of the Norwich ring road — when the event took place last Wednesday.

Having arrived in good time for an eight o'clock booking, the group of twenty were initially in good spirits, ordering a round of drinks and placing their orders by no later than quarter past. However, by nine o'clock, and with no sign of the starters and the waiter unable to give them any indication of when they might arrive, the gathering was rather less content.

Interviewed later, Lawton explained what happened: "We'd ordered as soon as we arrived and were getting a bit pissed off to be honest. There were no more bread rolls to chuck and it wasn't too much fun for us to see a large group of noisy women tucking into their grub on one side and a large group of noisy and fat men stuffing their faces on the other side. I could see my mum-in-law was getting restless — she suffers from lumbago and likes to be home in bed by eleven — and I thought I'd try to spur the chef into action. I'm known as a bit of a character so I was sure it was worth a try and couldn't imagine anyone would take offence."

Jumping on one of the spare chairs — but only after thoughtfully removing his prized Stead & Simpson tan loafers — Lawton shouted in the direction of kitchen: "Come on you lot, let's be having our nosh now. Get your finger out, we're starving hungry here." His intervention was followed by some loud laughter from his two brothers but others in the restaurant were evidently less pleased. Indeed, Lawton's own father called him "a bloody embarrassment".

Worse still, Lawton's impromptu address provoked no speedy resolution of the problem because the extra pressure in the pressure-cooker that is the modern professional kitchen simply caused the microwave operator to walk out and one of the waiters so adopt a go-slow. The meal then took nearly another hour to arrive and when it did turn up it was, in the word of one of those with Lawton, "horribly undercooked and rather tasteless". Everyone agreed the night out was ruined and despite the management supplying everyone with extravagant free helpings of the restaurant's signature "Flambeed Antarctic Roll", it was judged a complete disaster. Some of his wife's family were subsequently overheard blaming Lawton for the fiasco and a minor scuffle developed.

The chef in charge that night apologised to the disappointed diners but explained later: "My team were hindered and not helped my Matt's speech. He's been a good customer over the past couple of years I'll admit but putting that kind of stress on already overworked staff is totally counter-productive. For the whole of the winter season my guys have been superb. We haven't got the budget to employ loads of people on the off-chance they'll be such a large number of people in the middle of the week. As well as Mr Lawton there was a boisterous hen night crowd from East Dereham and a party of photocopier salesman staying at the local Novotel who especially enjoy our beer list and often visit. Both of these groups were here by seven-thirty. When Mr Lawton's lot arrived my guys were already hard at work producing a set of our ever-popular 'Tartuffo Wings on a Bed of Beetroot' for the women and nearly fifteen 'Pureed Turkey Twizzlers' that we had on special offer for the salesmen. What more could we do?"

Lawton has denied having had too much to alcohol claiming to drink in "industrial" quantities only "after the grub turns up", but others in the restaurant claim he was swaying on his feet and seemed glassy-eyed even even before the first pints of lager were poured. They atribute his later behaviour to this apparent intoxication, although one did admit: "He did well getting jumping onto the chait without poleaxing himself, to be honest." Whatever the reason for the rumpus, Lawton — who once captained Lowestoft Comprehensive Under 14s — has since promised to keep his rousing speeches for the dressing room.

Previously

Email an enemy

Pub-friendly printable version

‘Sport’ index page

Trawl Rockall for:

Delia diner in chair mount rumpus

Previously