There’s fuc*k all on Rockall   57°35’48”N 13°41’19”W
Contact The Rockall Times Picture Gallery
  Monday 7th March 2005  Science   Powered by Yeast Logic
[E] [P] [I]

Government signposts chilling mind-control programme

Dutch research points to zombie nation
by Bob Wallet

With just days to go before the 5 May general election the Department for Transport and Roadworks has announced a bilateral initiative with Charles Clarke's Homely Office to control unsociable behaviour. Road traffic signs will remind motorists and their passengers what the law is and how to respond. Legislation covered by the initiative will include anti-terrorism, anti-social behaviour, freedom of movement, civil liberties and dress sense.

Like Tony BlairThe idea comes hot on the heels of astonishing research carried out in the Netherlands by the University of den Hjoog near Rotterdam. Traffic signs on major roads carried the words "Hoop der Vlergrijdet" which translates as "Piss in your pants". 1756 drivers did exactly that leading politicians in the tiny European country to conclude that its citizens will do anything a road traffic sign tells them to.

Secret tests carried out on a short stretch of the A427 near Northampton showed similar disturbing results. The words "Urinate in your trousers" on a round sign with a red border provoked two thousand letters of complaint to the Northampton Courier after drivers and their passengers were forced to pay enormous dry cleaning bills for soiling their clothes. When asked by experts in white coats why they did it a sample of motorists admitted because the sign told them to. One human guinea pig, Ted, (real name Roger Forsyth of 32 Sheriffswood Drive, Nottingham) admitted if it's on a sign you have to obey it. "I only thought about it afterwards and realised what have I done?" When asked by The Rockall Times if he would do it again he replied "Of course I would. You can't argue with the Highway Code. Those signs are there for a reason."

Jonathan Blackadder of the AA Research Foundation told us: "This is taking us one step further towards the zombie nation that civil libertarians have been predicting. Everyone obeys road signs and now that the government has discovered this the genie is out of the bottle." Every stretch of motorway in Britain already carries road sign instructions which include: "Don't drive tired", "Take a break" and in Lincolnshire "Watch Richard and Judy tonight" — a message sponsored by Perrins Worcester Sauce.

Secret documents leaked to The Rockall Times give an indication of the so-called "control orders" that will be used. One says "Like Tony Blair", another instructs us to "Suspect unmarried individuals", whilst a third says simply "No entry". The legislation will not be discussed by the House of Lords because it will be a Statutory Amendment to the 2004 Anti-terrorism Bill. Leader of the Conservative party and amateur vampire Michael Howard told a meeting of Freeloaders at the Local Authority Federation Conference last week: "This is yet another indication of this government's nanny state attitude and dictatorial style. Whilst we agree in principle with the fundamentals of the initiative we will vote against it if it is ever debated in the House of Commons." Asked if a Conservative government would repeal the law he replied: "No. The damage would be done by then so there'd be no point really."

Previously

 Go on then, hard man