Blair hair scare

In an extraordinary development, the Prime Minister has offered to shoot John Prescott in a desperate bid to see off a parliamentary rebellion over the Government's proposed new anti-toupee legislation.

The concession, which amounts to an admission that there is a causal link between the No.10 Policy Unit and the street-fighting wing of the Labour Party — previously something angrily denied by the Government — has added to the sense of panic in Downing Street, coming as it does just days after The Rockall Times conclusively proved that the Prime Minister himself recently took delivery of his own portable bouffant-style hair unit.

Despite assurances that the Premier's new wig — made from the thick yet flexible pubic muff of a Himalayan Rhinoceros' scrotum — is completely benign, it is with some quiet satisfaction that once again we've played a small yet crucial role in our country's turbulent history, by today revealing that the rapidly-thinning PM is avoiding public ridicule by placing his own scalp under house arrest.

The Anti-Toupee Bill, which also includes measures to control associated adhesives, was announced by Mr Blhair just days before his voluntary incarceration, and well before his offer of "rough justice" towards his deputy. It came against the backdrop of increased concerns that at least 200 renegade hairpieces are currently flopping about on UK streets, each one individually trained in Afghanistan, and indistinguishable from the real thing. Speaking at the opening of the Laboratoire Kabul Drug Rehabilitation Centre, he said: "What's important is that a single suicide hair cell, let alone a Wig of Mass Destruction, could unleash indiscriminate humiliation upon the civilian populace, exposing our whole nation — whether bald or not — to untold international ridicule." In a voice positively dripping with emotion, he continued: "I can't stress how dangerous these religious zealots can be; I just pray that we can find them in time."

The proposed new law would, as it stands, overturn nearly 800 years of habeas corpus; well at any rate, it would be no less than what occurred when the last Whig administration ended in uncombed disarray in 1852. However, the Government's stance on issuing Toupee Control Orders whilst bypassing judicial approval is not without its supporters. A retired Chief of Police was quoted as saying that he'd seen reports that "made my hair stand on end", before adding quickly "Of course, I didn't mean...I mean...it's entirely my own...um..."

Here at The Rockall Times Politics Desk, irony is our middle name. Kinnock! Hague! Duncan-Smith! Unelectable dome-heads to a man! Perhaps the very thing that could have saved Mr Blhair — a little badger-pelt number, for example, with velcro fastenings — could now prove to be his undoing.

Previously

• Tony Blair to apologise for Dresden bombing
• Wobble-free Blair hails new world order
• Blair vows to fight on