I'm great at lesbian sex, confirms famous female

Highly talented walking tit scaffold Angelina Jolie has boasted that she is an expert at lesbian sex. The star of Tomb Raider told a reluctant passing journalist: "I absolutely love women and find them incredibly sexy."

Despite the protesting hack's best attempts to escape from the Hollywood beauty, Jolie continued: "I have loved women in the past and slept with them too. I think if you love and want to pleasure a woman, particularly if you are a woman yourself, then certainly you know how to do things in a certain way."

Los Angeles sexperts confirm that Jolie is indeed no slouch in the girl-on-girl department. One furry cup guru told The Rockall Times: "It tends to be the case that normal lesbians or bisexual women who are not famous actresses and may not perhaps be as well endowed as Jolie in the phwoaaar department make indifferent lovers. Hollywood dykes, on the other hand, can lick a whimpering partner to a shattering orgasm within seconds before continuing to pleasure the trembling recipient for days, if not weeks."

While Jolie's revelation may have caused a certain amount of gussett-moistening among female moviegoers, not everyone is as impressed with ther claims. A furious Abi Titmuss — taking time out from flashing her beef curtains to a baying mob of paparazzi while exiting a car at a London film premiere — thundered: "During my last lesbian encounter my partner came so much she was hospitalised for a week. She was still enjoying earth-trembling vaginal contractions a month later. The doctors said they had never seen anyone so completely satisfied as a woman. Here, I've got a video of the whole thing, if you've got your chequebook handy. Make it payable to John Leslie Productions."

Likewise, generously embosomed model Jordan last night ridiculed Jolie's claim to the girl-on-girl crown. The happily-settled mum confessed: "Although I am now enjoying the quiet life while awaiting the birth of my second child, I can confirm that I once simultaneously accomodated three young ladies with a range of Tantric sex techniques and a couple of strap-ons. There was so much love juice my bedroom looked like Banda Aceh on 27 December. Bring Jolie round and I'll shag her fuc*king tits off."

Jodie Marsh was unavailable for comment last night. A press agent told us: "Jodie's on a three-day G-spot awareness course. If you want to send round a female cub reporter on Thursday, she'll show her a thing or two about Sapphic love, make no mistake."

Previously

• Rowan Raunchbitch's torrid sex tips for red-hot lovers: Lesbian
• Abi Titmuss: I want to bed Britney and Osama bin Laden
• UK jail lezzers in correctional orgy of lust