Village declares Peoples' Republic of Morris

Baggy trousers, clogs and daft hats declaring to the surrounding hamlets what you stand for could soon become compulsory dress for the inhabitants of Sharnford, Leicestershire. The municipal Morris state's self-elected council is considering compelling all "outsiders" who live in the outback town to either dress up or face the music.

The move has come from Chief Molly Phil Preen, who has broken the one hundred year silence of the Hinckley Plough Bullockers to the astonishment of both members and the townsfolk of this once quiet commuting village. Preen thundered from the conservatory of his £2.5m cottage near the Swan Pub: "I'm sick of it, all of these so-called country dwellers come in with their flashy cars, designer haircuts and expensive continental cologne with no regard for the history of this quaint backwater. We are trying to preserve British history here by keeping Sharnford the same as it was 1200 years ago.

"It also interferes with our concentration — imagine having to twiddle two sticks to the merry jingling of bells while some moron in Armani is gawping at you while smoking a Cuban cigar. It's not right I tell you. What are going to do is for the good of the people; both dancers and non-believers. They will have to follow our lead and change their wardrobe if they wish to stay here. If not, we will burn them out in the traditional way."

At present, only Morris and Chalfonts are required to wear traditional garb, with spectators and residents being excused. However, when the new legislation comes into force, a first offence will attract a £50 fine, the second will result in dunking until breathing is halted or the perpetrator renounces Satan and all his works.

Even photographic material must comply with the new law. The local Spar has already been relieved of all magazines — including Maxim and Country Life — which contain images of proscribed clothing. The owners are said to be in a state of fear lest they receive a second late-night raid from prancing enforcers led by a menacing hobby horse.

The council is now distributing dress guidelines to the 200 business and residential houses in the town, in particular those without a plough parked outside.

Previously

• Crouching Rabbits, Hidden... Rabbits
• Essex pub hit by fruit machine mass hysteria
• Vicar opens fete