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Final Star Wars™©® film 'not for kiddies', warns Lucas

Director george Lucas has warned that the final Star Wars™©® film — The Last Gasp Attack of the Jedi Marketing Machine™ — will not be suitable for children and will accordingly carry a PG-13 rating in the US. The announcement will please campaigners who have lobbied for kiddies to be protected from Lucas' preposterous racial stereotypes and flaccid, incomprehensible storylines. One parent told The Rockall Times: "I really don't mind my ten-year-old watching a screaming woman being raped and decapitated by Nazi stormtroopers but there aint no way on God's Earth™ that he's gonna be subjected to any more of the kind of repulsive lordy-lordy swivel-eyed nigger substitutes like Jar-Jar Binks."

Emperor Jose Mourinho is apparently satisfied with the announcement by referee Anders Frisk that he will go into exile in his frozen native motherland following his ill-advised decision to award Barcelona the laurels in the Iberian superpower's first Champions League clash with Chelsea. Barcelona walked away with a 2-1 victory after Frisk apparently accepted a half-time invitation from club centurion Francus Rijkaardius to discuss a possible military alliance against Mourinho. A spokesman for the Stamford Bridge Praetorian Guard confirmed: "His excellency has decided not to carry out his threat to execute Frisk's family in punishment for the outrage, on the condition that he remain in Sweden for the rest of his natural life."

In related news, Swedish arbitration futures slumped a massive 57 per cent following Frisk's decision, our Scandinavian financial bureau reports. Amid fears that up to 120 promising local referees and linesmen may now have to be scrapped, the Stockholm International Officials' Exchange issued a profit warning on all export models. "Our exile from the international arbitration market will hit the bottom line hard," one official admitted. The Exchange is reported to be assembling a huge tribute of gold and busty blonde slave women for presentation to Emperor Mourinho in the hope that he might reconsider his decision, something described as "highly unlikely" by a trembling Stamford Bridge lackey.

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