Notts police in murder outsource shocker

Excess of mayhem for Robin Hood plod

by Siobhan O'Semtex

Nottinghamshire Constabulary has admitted it cannot cope with the sheer level of murder cases it is currently investigating — and has asked for outside help in clearing the backlog. Chief constable Steve Green said his force faces an inexorable rise in violent gun crime while having to remove officers from front-line duties to service the county's 1.5m speed cameras.

Accordingly, Green says he may have to "farm out" cases to other forces. He explained: "We are reeling with the murders. We are in a long-standing crisis situation with major crime and it won't go away overnight."

Mercifully, though, help may be at hand. The IRA last night offered to step into the breach and bring its considerable expertise in the field to bear on the crisis. A man in a balaclava holding an AK-47 in front of a Republican flag told The Rockall Times: "The offer is there on the table. The lads were shocked by the case of murdered 16-year-old Colette Aram and are determined to bring the perpetrator to justice."

Asked to outline the IRA's investigative methodology, our spokesmen said: "Meticulous re-evaluation of the evidence then painstaking in-the-field detective work leading to an arrest. And then we shoot the fuc*ker."

Nottinghamshire Constabulary is said to be considering the offer, but has stated that it prefers the end result of any investigation to a court appearance rather than a summary execution. A spokesman told us: "The offer is very kind but we must adhere to the due process of law. Unless the speed camera prosecution backlog gets too big in which case we'll let the Provos loose on a few suspected rapists."

We rang Sinn Fein top honcho Gerry Adams for his input but were told that he had "never heard of the IRA".

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Notts police in murder outsource shocker

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