Vatican frets over Pope's mental state

The Vatican played down comments over the weekend that Pope™ John-Paul Ringo George II's painkiller-induced recent behaviour was raising eyebrows in the ecumenical world.

"He is in much pain," said our contact Cardinal Alessi from his Vatican balcony "and as such he is not the man he used to be. Huge doses of morphine have made him confused. Only yesterday he said: 'I reckon Jesus was safe as fu*ck'. We are all very worried."

The Pope™ has been giving more and more confused messages as his illness deteriorates. Sources tell us he told Bono to "score me some 'E', man", and in January this year he claimed that "God smelled of diamonds". Recently, he asked for the Pope-mobile to be fitted with "dub-twos and a monster bass box".

In his last blessing John-paul may have finally overstepped the mark. He began by giggling for twenty minutes before saying: "Hey, like God, he's like this man, right. And he loves us. So you should love him, man. He's made of clouds and sunshine and children's tears. And Jesus is all swirly. I've seen it guys. Its like the universe is like a big pizza, you know? And were like this tiny crumb on it. And the stars are all like on the pizza too. You know? Wow. Peace. This is JP2 signing off, y2k plus 5."

This downward spiral does offer some hope to those in waiting to replace him. Bono, Tony Blair and Oprah Winfrey all hope their applications will be accepted but since the Pontiff's appetite for super strong painkillers has been made public knowledge, pop singer Shaun Ryder has also expressed an interest in the top Catholic post.

The only official comment to come from the Vatican merely stated that the Pope™ was "very poorly" and he needed "love, support and several bags of Monster Munch. And a Twix."

Previously

• Pope dead/alive* shocker
• Supreme Pontiff flops at Reading
• Pope threatens American cardinal 'bitches'