Clarke red-faced after Red Nose prank fiasco

Never a man to be accused of having no sense of humour, Charles Clarke, Homely Secretary and former Communist Playmate of the Year in 1967, last week decided to inject his own brand of humour into Comic Relief. Against the advice of the intelligence services and the police, he ordered the release of eight suspected terrorists from Belmarsh Prison.

On the same day as Friday's "Mass Breakout for Red Nose Day", the House of Commons and the House of Lords battled over the issue of control orders, a rushed piece of legislation that would have given the government draconian powers to keep Michael Howard, Ann Widdecombe and John Redwood under indefinite house arrest. The game of parliamentary ping-pong went back and forwards as Hazel Blears, dressed as a kinky Little Red Riding Hood, skipped around Belmarsh with a ring of keys releasing the unidentified suspects.

But now, Sir Alfred Tivimarsh, Chief Constable of the Metropolitan Police and first-class shot, has expressed disgust at the release of one of the detainees: Abu Qatada, known as al-Qaeda's spiritual leader in Europe. Qatada immediately boarded a bus to Slough and vanished for several hours. In an emergency sitting of the Commons Select Committee on Terrorism and the Women's Institute a junior minister in the Homely Office faced a barrage of probing questions. He denied that the Homely Office had paid for Qatada to have plastic surgery to make his eyes look more bulging and maniacal in order to frighten the public.

A list of activities carried out by Qatada was read out by the LibDem MP Barry Bigamore: inciting racial hatred towards Jews and Christians; publishing pamphlets offering advice on how to construct car bombs, bomb belts and where to buy very loud fireworks; locations for the planting of bombs that contain nails and wasps. He was also found to have at his home in Chelsea eight Kalashnikov assault rifles, a rocket propelled grenade launcher, a hydrogen bomb and an exhaust manifold from a 1975 Ford Cortina. Qatada claimed he was storing the manifold for his brother, but no such person has been traced.

In spite of overwhelming evidence, the Crown Prosecution Service said there was not enough evidence to convict Qatada, hence the incarceration in Belmarsh Prison for the safety of the public. "It is not currently an offence to own a hydrogen bomb," said Priscilla Means, a 24-year-old solicitor with four children. "Mr Qatada cannot explain how the weapons came to be in his three million pound apartment." Giles Brandreth, a former Conservative MP himself who lives on the same floor as Qatada told The Rockall Times: "He did make a lot of noise. I just assumed he was either a DIY enthusiast or a fan of Carol Vorderman."

Speaking on Saturday, the day after the Comic Relief prank, an embarrassed but still smug-looking Hazel Blears apologised to the House for taking part in the prank. "It was done in the spirit of the occasion and no offence was intended," she conceded. When pressed by an Ulster Unionist backbencher if she would be returning the kinky Red Riding Hood costume she replied: "I think my husband quite likes me in that outfit so I'll be hanging on to it for another week or two."

And shortly before The Rockall Times was due to go to press, reports from our european correspondent Jacques Anjille confirmed that a plane chartered from Slough International Airport had dropped an atom bomb on the Belgian city of Liege. So far there are no reported casualties.

Previously

• Al-Qaeda flees uk
• Government foils new wave of al-Qaeda terror attacks
• War on Terror™ update: You're all going to die and so are your kids