Rockall Houses at Loggerheads over Turtle Bill

Today, in an effort to keep democracy alive on our sacred isle, special imports of high-strength stimulants were flown in from mainland Europe after Rockall's elected parliament and it's un-elected Rocky House of Horrors failed to agree sixty-four times in a row over whether Turtles present a sinister threat to the security of the Island. "The debate must continue and the decision will go to the House that stays awake the longest," said Blag Peasbody, famous supplier of fine chemicals to the aristocracy. "And my boys have had years of practice at abusing themselves. With stimulants," he added.

Although the Rockall House of Guano tried to reform the House of Horrors during the last parliament they didn't hit the fan hard enough and so it's still populated by a demented bunch of reactionary old fuddy-duddies, or if you prefer, a group of people whose primary interest is common sense rather than prolonging their mindless stranglehold on the country. Members of the House of Guano (MGs) are said to be nervous. "If we don't get this legislation passed we won't be able to lock up our political enemies at the slightest whim," one MG admitted confidentially to me after I secreted myself in the HofG toilets over lunch. "And that would mean losing the next election, which would mean we might keep having elections!" he wailed. "Tiny wouldn't like that. He'd be angry and then we'd get The Eye," he continued in fearful tones.

Certainly Tiny Pair's "glass-eyed stare" is feared throughout the island. Mrs Elsie Nestlethwaite, aged 102, of Albatross Avenue (rumoured to be high up on the list of those to be incarcerated as soon as this legislation is passed) spoke to The Rockall Times: "He had the willies up me in the butcher's queue. With his glass eye distracting me he took the spare change for the bus out of me coat pocket before I knew it. I'd've 'ad to walk 'ome if'n it weren't our Ron's turn for driving t'bus Tuesdays."

But what has led to this unhappy state of affairs? Apparently turtles have been spotted by the CIA being allowed free access on to the beaches of Cuba, a communist hotbed of subversion. As a result of this Dubya rang HM Liz who promptly banned both Turtle and Mock-Turtle soup from the Menus at Buck House. It might have stopped there but last week Captain Michael Trelawney, owner of the Rockall Fishing Company, netted a Turtle only three kilometres offshore. The Turtle is reported to have been sporting a red bandana and eating a pizza at the time. It escaped back into the Atlantic after breaking Trelawney's arm with a single kick.

The CIA now suspect a communist plot where "Red Kung-fu" turtles take over Rockall before moving on to England, last bastion of the free. Since then nine turtles have been arrested without charge as soon as they appeared in fishing-nets. They are currently being held in Rockall's maximum security Gannet Gaol but must be freed today under Rockall Law. If the new legislation is enacted then they will be held under "Sea Arrest" and tagged so that they can be tracked by Sir Richard Attenborough anywhere in the world and cooked and eaten at the slightest threat to national security.

Breaking news

An unexpected concession by Tiny Pair won him the battle. By dint of crossing his fingers whilst promising faithfully to rescind the legislation next Wednesday he persuaded Count Vladimir the Impaler, leader of the Rockall’s main opposition party, the so-called "Almost completely effing useless Party" to steal Blag's bag of "Upper-crusty Noses" and thus allow the bill through both houses. Mrs Nestlethwaite is reported to have locked herself in the downstairs privy, screaming: "It's only a pantomime shell! I';m not really a turtle!" through the keyhole.

Previously

• Church of Rockall rent asunder by gay thunderbolt
• Howard goes for jugular with Rockall immigrant camp plan
• Rockall — It's all going to kick off