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That new UK terror law: What every parent should know

We at The Rockall Times — while fully supporting the principles of democracy on which our Great Nation™ stands — concede that there are times when basic personal rights must be put aside for the greater benefit of society. That time is now, and we applaud the government's timely piece of political legerdemain which allowed the containment of the burgeoning al-Qaeda terror menace before today's expiry of the Anti-Terrorism, Crime & Security Act 2001.

Of course, there are complex issues at stake here — civil liberties, legal precedent, pre-election political advantage, and so forth. Accordingly, our Rockall legislative analysis bureau has put together the traditional Q&A so that busy parents can avail themselves of the essential facts without the need to waste valuable time which could otherwise be spent preparing a safe room in case of Avian flu epidemic. Read on:

So, what's the score?

Home Secretary Charles Clarke has introduced legislation to curb the activities of suspected terrorists. He can now apply "control orders" to known menaces without the tedious legal process which normally accompanies such a procedure.

That's fair enough. After all, the streets are awash with raghead suicide bombers.

Yes. Senior police officers estimate there are currently around two million members of al-Qaeda in the UK — every single one of 'em armed with nuclear weapons and living off state benefits.

Jesus H Christ. Why don't they just stick them in a prison hulk off Gravesend and be done with it?

Ah well, some of the evidence against them is inadmissible in court.

That's typical. I thought the law was here to protect us.

Well, now it is — just about.

How so?

The House of Lords forced some amendments on the government, restricting the scope of the bill.

You mean that my kids have to walk the streets in fear because a couple of hundred unelected toffs decided to stick the spanner in the works? Haven't these people got anything better to do?

Not since the government banned foxhunting.

A fair point. Isn't the hunting of ragheads with dogs still legal, though?

Only in Yorkshire, or where they are considered a threat to the local swan population.

But how am I going to explain that to my kids when some nutcase crashes an airliner packed with anthrax spores into a nuclear power station?

Don't panic. Despite the so-called "sunset clause", Clarke still has powers to make sure suspects do not leave their council flats, do not use telephones or the internet and do not contact certain individuals.

Sunset clause? Didn't that nice Mr Howard make a big fuss about that?

Well he would, wouldn't he? He very fond of sunsets. Less so of sunrises, it must be said.

Ah, the old "Michael Howard is a vampire because he's Romanian and a bit shifty" gag. Don't you think it's worn a bit thin?

Fair enough. What about a witty play on the "attack mongrel" slur?

No. Leave the bloke alone. He seems very decent, as does his family.

That's true. I may vote Tory myself.

On the other hand, didn't Howard say he would repeal this anti-terrorism legislation, thereby exposing our kiddies to mass rape and slaughter at the hands of Osama bin Laden?

I wouldn't read too much into that promise. Charles Kennedy also said his party would scrap the bill immediately after a Lib-Dem general election victory.

Charles Kennedy? Never heard of him.

Nor have I — I'm just reading from the briefing notes.

So you don't think the Tories would restore the fundamental personal freedoms which have been a cornerstone of our democracy for over 300 years?

You obviously haven't been paying attention. The UK is packed to the gunwales with al-Qaeda members hell-bent on death, destruction and pandemonium. Do you want to be the person to tell your grandchildren that you voted against the legislation which protected future generations from the satanic spawn of Islam?

But if we oppose this legislation then we won't have any grandchildren anyway, what with nutters crashing airliners packed with anthrax spores into nuclear power stations simply because there was no legal method by which they might be kept away from airliners and anthrax and nuclear power stations. What the hell am I supposed to do?

Stay calm. The terrorist threat has — for the time being at least — been neutered. Keeping the buggers off the streets should hold the line until the introduction of compulsory biometric ID cards completely resolves the terror issue once and for all.

You're right. The Spaniards have had ID cards for years and they've completely avoided terrorist atrocities.

Exactly.

I feel better now.

Good. How are the kids?

Not bad, although little Brad is currently obliged to report to the nearest police station every evening before an 8pm - 8am curfew under which he may not use the telephone or the internet nor talk directly with Abu Musab al-Zarqawi.

Trouble at school?

Yes. They slapped a control order on him after he expressed an interest in the Koran.

Previously

• War: What every parent should know
• Immigrants: What every parent should know
• War on Terror™ update: You're all going to die and so are your kids