Britain braces for bird flu apocalypse

Government plans to counter the predicted Bird flu outbreak have been slammed by a rash of experts. A veritable epidemic of pandemic academics have warned that it may be too late, and that the virus may have already affected a chicken called Su, belonging to Mrs C. Wu, of 25b Ramshackle Shanty, Vietnam. If Su Wu were to a) avoid Mrs Wu's flashing meat cleaver, b) escape her coup, and c) learn to fly, she may be just years away from reaching UK airspace.

"Defence will be our first line of attack," said Squadron Leader Henman, Chair of the Government's Flu Farce-Force. "At the first sign of the enemy, we will launch counter-insurgency measures. We will close UK airspace to all aeronautical organisms, from gnats to the Rockall Grand High Auk. This will be achieved by means of a gigantic net and an army of swatter-deputies at strategic coastal positions."

However, many scientists now believe that these measures are far from adequate, and that Government predictions of likely casualties are much too low. Currently Her Imperial Majestyness's Inspector of Medical Things estimates that a mere 97 per cent of the UK population is likely to die in excruciating pain. The true figure is likely to be much higher, as the Government's estimates don't take account of those killed in the traditional crisis-fuelled stampede to stock-up on glutinous white sliced bread from Sainsbury's.

Bird Flu symptoms are said to range from a slight clucking and propensity to peck at the carpet; through a mild headache with a tickly-wickly throat; and, ultimately, a massive internal organ discharge where the liver, spleen, kidneys and several feet of greeny-purpley tubes are seen to blast from the victim's every orifice. At this point a little aspirin may be taken.

Those wishing to protect their homes and families from the virus are recommended to avoid talking to chickens. If one should pass you on the street, do not make eye contact; cross quickly to the other side and pretend to be searching in your pockets for something. Should a chicken knock on your door, householders are advised to hide behind the sofa until the danger has passed; chicks are not known for their patience and will soon be off to try their luck next-door. Finally, remember that with Easter fast approaching, old and young alike are vulnerable to the choccy-egg-mutation-strain. Unwrapping that lovely shiny colourey foil could be the very last thing you do. Ever.

Previously

• Jesus H. Christ we're all going to die!
• Mystery disease rampages across world
• Scientists prove everyone on planet ‘already dead’