What the Budget means for you

We at The Rockall TImes understand that our readers simply do not have time to carry out an in-depth analysis of Gordon Brown's latest budget and have — with the help of a top International Monetary Fund operative — distilled the essential essence of the whole thing into a single, fun-sized guide. Read on:

Hello. I'm an IMF economist and I'm here to help simplify the recent fiscal statements from the Chancellor of the Exchequer. What's on your mind?

It would be a lot easier if you just summarised the state of play in short sentences.

Busy, eh?

I've just bought my seventh buy-to-let property and me and the wife are off to celebrate. I tell you, I paid three-and-sixpence for this house in 1996 and it's now worth £1.2m. So, how much extra is a night out going to cost me? Keep it simple.

How about something like "1p on a pint of beer"?

OK... with you so far.

...and 8p on cigarettes...

Hang on, let me get a paper and pencil.

...4p on wine...

Have you got a calculator I can borrow for a minute? Ta. Is that it, then? Wall-to-wall TV coverage and the papers full of it for just 13p?

No there's lots more; the threshold for stamp duty...

Hold on, I get my fags off a mate down the road who drives a lorry to Cologne twice a week. Will he have to put the price up?

Only in as much as higher prices in the conventional economy will cause an upward pressure on prices of equivalent products in the black economy. The forces of arbitrage and simple economic pressure within the domestic environment will eventually put a brake on the Chancellor's continuing policy of increasing tax revenue from tobacco sales. Its all a matter of maximising the utility function...

Ah, in this case, though, he buys the fags at a 400-acre hypermarket near Calais, so there is no upward pressure locally.

I'd argue that the pressure comes from rising prices at the point of sale, irrespective of the original market cost of the cigarettes.

But that's taking the piss. If he can still get 200 snouts for €10 then he's hardly entitled to slap on an extra couple of percent to reflect changes in the indigenous market.

I'm inclined to agree. Maybe you should switch suppliers?

Yeah. I know another bloke who goes to Belgium every two weeks.

Does he do wine?

Sure. Fancy a case?

Put me down for 240 bottles.

Aha. Wedding, eh?

Of course. There have been a lot of weddings in my family recently.

It's amazing, isn't it? I reckon there's an interesting study to be done on the link between the rise of the Brit-run continental booze warehouses and the resurgence in popularity of getting hitched. My mate Dave has got married four times this year alone. That's an awful lot of wine and beer and fags.

Agreed. Now, how are we getting on?

Well, if I sink eight pints and the missus has a couple of glasses of plonk and we get through 40 snout then it'll hit me for an extra 32 pence. Mind you, the freeze on Stamp Duty will save me around £17,000 which means a net profit of £16,999.70.

Pretty good. Going to vote Labour, then?

Too bloody right. Cheers.

Previously

• Chancellor to slap VAT on pocket money
• Chancellor reassures public over fuel price hike
• Treasury to offer tax relief on stolen goods