Police face data protection nightmare scenario

London's police force may never be able to get completely up to date with its vital paperwork it has been sensationally revealed. Concerns have been raised that this may lead to the capital's public never feeling entirely secure that level two risk assessments have been done for all police station car parks and that every petty cash tin has had the money taken for tea and biscuits fully itemised.

Despite the need for such rules and regulations to be followed to the letter if essential crime-fighting target papers are to be submitted to the Home Office, many police men and women are still being taken away from their PCs to needlessly roam the streets on the off-chance that they'll find someone to arrest.

Last year nearly 30 per cent of all forms had some sections of text missing or check boxes not ticked, a grim-faced spokesplod announced. This is despite an ongoing effort to train all officers in the importance of maintaining adequate records to reassure the public that they are being adequately protected against possible data loss.

"It's absolute madness," one frustrated divisional commander told The Rockall Times on condition of anonymity, "I don't see there is any way that I can guarantee to Londoners that every form is going to be filled out correctly and on time in the way that I would like. Quite frankly, when it comes to ensuring the safety and integrity of our data recording system I'm not able to do that right now."

Many police chiefs have condemned the "obsession" amongst politicians with sending officers out to catch criminals when they could be neatly formatting diversity reports and polishing up sociological studies on deprivation in urban areas. "That's not our strength is it? The days when the police could afford to waste manpower running around trying to catch people are long gone."

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