That Champions League seeding system in full

Following the cogent arguments put forward by Manchester United officials as to why the top clubs should be allowed to win all of their games, the club's Managing Director has now provided more details for an expectant footballing world.

As David Gill explained: "No-one wants to see the top European teams getting knocked out even if they're not actually good enough to win. We want a fairer system that will see any club with a small turnover stopped from messing things up for the rest of us. Well just us actually."

How it will work:

• Initial draw for Champions League will be made in Manchester. Balls to be drawn by Sir Alex Ferguson behind closed doors.
• United to be allocated a position in Group G against the champions of Malta and San Marino and the runners-up from the Bosnian league.
• Due to "fixture congestion", all United's games will be played at Old Trafford. Away teams will be awarded 10 tickets in row HH of the Scoreboard End, subject to assurances that they will not be sold to anyone "loud".
• After finishing group runners-up, United will be top seeded for the last sixteen due to "their large fan base".
• They will then be entitled to pick who they play.
• The size of their victory will be decided by the Pools Panel.
• Manchester United can only be eliminated by Real Madrid or Chelsea, as they have more money.

"This is what the fans want to see: the richest clubs appearing the most times," explained Gill, who went on to express bafflement at the few adverse comments to his innovative proposal.

Future improvements proposed by Old Trafford are understood to include the automatic awarding of the trophy to the richest teams on a rota basis and the eventual abolition of the need to play at all. "It's the only way forward," said Gill. "At present, and despite our enormous merchandising revenues, we do occasionally lose. That's unacceptable. We need to concentrate on running our Far East megastore franchise and managing our players' image rights without worrying whether or not the referee's going to give us the two penalties per game our balance sheet merits."

Previously

• Real Madrid delighted with Manchester United coup
• Scrap FA Cup qualifiers, Arsenal demand
• Furious Wenger demands nine-day week