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  Monday 28th March 2005  Sex   Powered by Yeast Logic
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Revealed: The shocking state of British virgins

Broken hymens, shattered lives
by Rowan Raunchbitch

More than four-fifths of 14-year-old girls in the UK have had sex, each with an average of SIXTEEN partners, a shock survey has found. Of these, 98 per cent lost their virginity in a BUS shelter while DRUNK, 63 per cent indulged in UNPROTECTED anal sex while high on cannabis and a staggering 78 per cent admitted to enjoying a SPIT ROAST with two or more Premiership footballers in the last twelve months.

The figures — revealed as part of a survey by teen magazine Bless — also show that 99 per cent of young girls believe they cannot become pregnant if they drink two bottles of SUNNY D before engaging in sexual intercourse and that oven chips and microwaveable MINIPIZZAS are an effective TREATMENT for chlamydia.

One 15-year-old teen mum, quaffing a Bacardi Breezer, puffing on a cigarette and administering hand relief to her unemployed 16-year-old boyfriend — despite at that exact moment being in the final throes of labour in her local maternity hospital — told The Rockall Times: "I blame the education system. When I was thirteen, I had no idea whatsoever what the human reproductive system was for until some biology teacher explained that I could gain pleasure from admitting a man's penis into my vagina. I can tell you, it was straight round to my boyfriend's, half a bottle of sweet cider, knickers down and on the job. Since then, I've had forty-three partners, seven abortions...."

At this point, we were ushered from the delivery suite by doctors who shortly thereafter delivered a mewling, 7lb infant into the world. We later learned that both mother and baby Britney Aniston Posh are doing well on state benefits.

Confirming the gymslip mum's analysis of her downfall, one educational expert told us: "Fifty years ago, the average woman lost her virginity at 43. She would have been told absolutely nothing about sex either at school or by her parents. In fact, her complete ignorance in matters of the flesh meant she was completely oblivious to sex until her husband gave her a very nasty shock on her wedding night. Nowadays, we have teen publications instructing 10-year-olds on how to administer the best blowjob and the comparative merits of spit or swallow. It's no surprise, then, that there are only 13 virgins above the age of sixteen in the entire country, and three of those still have an intact hymen simply because they have been in a coma since a nasty multiple pile-up on the M63 in 1999."

We attempted to speak to more teenage girls to get their input into the debate, but were unable to find anyone with two minutes to spare when they were not banging away like jackrabbits in the back of a stolen Ford Modeo while simultaneously exchanging SMS sex tips with their schoolfriends.

Previously

 Girls! Have you had sex with a celebrity?