Man City bring in Donkey

Since the tragic loss of Kevvy Keegan, Manchester City have been staggering blindly on, apparently rudderless and with no redemptive strategy. Faced with a barrage of rumours, our reporter hit the mean streets of Mancunia to find out how this team will carry on the great crusade.

It was a struggle, but our man managed to find one of the legendarily elusive Man City fans outside his house and tried to get to the bottom of their new signing. Having confronted the wavering fan with the choice: "You tell me about your new manager, or I'll dish the dirt on you just coming out of the Lusty Lips Bar with your flies undone," our hack knew that he would land the story.

Still shaking, the fan regained some composure while simulaneously trying to remove the lipstick from his shirt and finely balance a doner kebab and a steak pie. "Er, one's for the missus," he half-heartedly tried to explain.

"It's like this," he finally commented between mouthfuls of juicy steak chunks and kebab meat. "Kev was a great lad, and we were scheduled for great things even though he only spent around £100m on the team. Sure, we only got one good player out of it, but with Kev's vision of having everyone run forward at the same time we were obviously going to win the league at some point. It's like rock, scissor, stone, if you always go with rock you are going to win something... hopefully."

Urged on the fan continued: "So the only way we could keep the same momentum going was to employ someone who would lead us blindly on, hence the Donkey. The plan is that we will stick a fresh carrot every day in front of it and then chase the bugger! We won't have Kev there, but the lads are familiar with this kind of training regime. The only possible pitfall is if the Donkey gets the carrot, but I'm sure we have a budget for more carrots."

Our enthralled hack then asked how the rest of this season and next year will go. "How can something so visionary fail?," gushed our now-animated commentator while swigging on a can of Tango. "I bet we will take Europe by storm next year and then onto South America. That's our plan, always go forward, thanks to Kev."

Sadly, our man at this point had to let the fan go to stagger though his front door while shouting: "I've got you a pie love!" For her part, his with wife hissed: "Fuc*k off. I'm asleep and you’ve got lipstick on your shirt — again."

Previously

• FA Cup Final result stuns UK
• Anelka throws strop of Norwegian proportions
• HRogue football agent shames the Beautiful Game™