The Pope is dead — long live the Pope (Pub-friendly) [The Rockall Times]

As the world today comes to terms with the death of a very old man from illnesses exacerbated by his advanced years, and billions across the globe take a moment to reflect on their own mortality and the absolute certainty that they too will one day be promoted to glory or cast down forever in the eternal fires of damnation, we at The Rockall Times have compiled a definitive guide to the front-runners in the race to become the next Supreme Ponficateness of All Catholics Everywhere — a burden so wearisome that it will inevitably lead to some form of death incident at the ripe old age of 85 or thereabouts.

Make no mistake, the responsibilities of Papacy are many, the rewards few. True, a nice pad in the Vatican and unlimited international travel (Northern Ireland excluded) are a couple of the perks of the job, but those armchair Popes who spend every Sunday afternoon in front of the bible bemoaning the Pope's match strategy would do well to remember that pointing a billion Catholics across the globe in the direction of salvation while wearing 76lbs of jewel-encrusted ceremonial garb is not for the faint of heart nor the weak of limb.

Here then, for the record, is our line-up of those who ecclesiastical pundits believe have the Right Stuff to drag the Catholic Church kicking and screaming into the 16th century:

	Cherie Blair: Although the Papacy is traditionally closed to women since the fairer sex is considered — by nature of its inferior intellect and obsession with buying nice clothes on credit cards — no closer to the One True God than Fidel Castro, Cherie Blair may yet amaze the world by ascending to the papal throne. The UK's number two Catholic, after hubby Tony, is reported to share John Paul 2's dislike of liberation theology and certainly has no idea what a condom is or where you might stick it. Her married status might unnerve hardliners, although she could always annul her own union after securing the top post. As Popess Cherie I, likely to eschew the delights of the Vatican in favour of one of a number of flats she owns in the Bristol area.
	Bono: Bookies' favourite Bono has already secured the hearts and minds of most of the globe with his endless pontificating on any subject whatsoever at the drop of a hat. Indeed, the roving rock pundit made a lightning visit to JP2 in 1994 in which he delivered a stern rebuke to the astounded Pope for the latter's failure to fight world hunger by promoting U2 CD sales to the Third World. Would certainly campaign tirelessly for world peace by demanding face-to-face meetings with terrified international leaders. Likely to name close mate Sting as Bishop of the Amazon — the only appointment considered sufficiently distant for the guitar-strumming eco-warrior.
	Bill Gates: Although he has declared himself "too busy" for the Pope gig due to his ongoing commitment to getting Windows Media Player bundled with XP in every African home by 2012, rich bloke Gates has, through his charitable foundation actually done more for poor people in the last ten years than the Catholic Church has done in the last 100. Having said that, his messianic tendencies — coupled to widespread assertions that he is in fact the offspring of Satan — make him an outside bet for the job. Does, however, have some support from traditionalists who back his campaign to ensure that an increasingly anarchic society does not become more "open source" than it already is.
	Saint Bob Geldof: The only Catholic ever to ascend to both to knighthood and sainthood while still alive, Saint Bob of Live Aid may give arch rival Bono a run for his money. Young people would certainly take to his fresh, radical approach to addressing the faithful — likely to involve berating the crowds assembled in St Peter's Square with a quick: "People in Africa are foockin' starving, so foock the foockin' Papal address and pick up the foockin' phone and donate some foockin' money right foockin' now for foock's sake yer foockin' fooc*kers.
	Jonathan King: King's candidacy will astound many, but the talented pop guru has one of the attributes traditionally considered absolutely vital to becoming a priest — an active attraction to small boys and the absolute conviction that paedophilia is not a mortal sin. Pope Jon I would not be a popular choice among parents and is in any case expected to be shortly resuming his temporarily-suspended tour of the nonce units of Her Majesty's jails.
	Jose Mourinho: It's now matter of record that — in his early years — JP2 kept a mean pair of gloves for Dynamo Krakow reserves, so why not another footballing Supreme Pontiff? In fact, the Emperor of Stamford Bridge has already appointed himself head coach of the Catholic Church, whether the cardinals like it or not. Expect ugly scenes as a shouting Mourinho attempts to gain access to the Vatican and — after being repelled by a mixed force of Swiss Guard and infuriated Swedish referees — complains vociferously to FIFA that he saw Cardinal Anders Frisk visit Bono in his dressing room during a half-time break in the papal vote deliberations.
	Laughing Bob Mugabe: Those readers who believe that there will never, ever, be a Pope of Color™ have obviously not been following recent events in the sun-kissed paradise of Zimbabwe. Bob, with his winning combination of fiery rhetoric and trademark "Fuhrer" tash, could secure himself a place on the supreme council of the Klu Klux Klan, should he so wish — so great is his legerdemain in electoral manipulation. Don't be surprised if the next few months see the Vatican divvied up between Zanu-PF faithful and sobbing white Catholic Church officials driven from their offices by enraged mobs of Mugabe supporters bearing rifles.
	Jamie Oliver: Young Jamie — having spent five years thoroughly irritating the entire population of the UK with his chirpy pseudo-Cockney culinary banter — has rather redeemed himself of late by insisting that Sunny D and oven chips do not a good school meal make. Quite right too. So, the Pukka Pope? Sort of has a nice ring about it. Could be good news for starving Third World Catholics, what with Communion wafers making way for sun-tossed tofu and organic seaweed and hand-worried pomegranate seed toastettes. Wicked.
	Tomás de Tormquemada: At the age of 507, Mr Torquemada (know to his drinking mates as "Tom") is certainly old enough to assume the responsibilities of Popedom. The natural successor to JP2, Tom shares many of the deceased pontiff's views on abortion, contraception, women and Communism. Did, however, legendarily clash with the ex-Pope over Judaism. John Paul, of course, favoured closer ties between all faiths. Tomás de Torquemada, conversely, favours most faiths being tied to stakes and burnt. Expelled all Jews from Spain in 1492, but has since admitted he made an "error of judgement". Apart from that, it'd be business as usual under Pope Torq.
	Paul Wolfowitz: A last-minute White House recommendation is the new World Bank supremo, known to favour an "American-style Catholicism". This is an evangelical US brand of faith, dominated by a strong Protestant ethic and backed up with nuclear weapons. Pope Wolf would, as most right-minded people agree, launch immediate crusades against the infidel in Chad, Iran, Sudan and Syria. Expect a return to old-school theology backed with the big stick and an absolute ban on starving to death people in a coma, no matter what their husbands or the courts say.

The Pope is dead — long live the Pope

Pope John Paul Ringo II in full