Un-pukka nosh rumpus rumbles on

Swivel-eyed Education Secretary — and Papal hopeful — Ms Ruth Kelly has undergone a dramatic conversion on the road to Greenwich. When questioned by The Rockall Times just two weeks ago, the happy-clappy minister spoke with enthusiasm about the current state of the nations' school meals, saying: "Reconstituted abattoir entrails, sodium pustules and dog's toenails, tastefully shaped into 'gorilla feet' have been the cornerstone of our children's diets for decades." And wearing the perpetual smile of the "Saved" she continued: "Wasn't it the good Lord himself who turned water into Tartrazine E102? Who, with just two loaves and a couple of hydrogenated fish, was able to feed an entire school on delicious monosodium glutamate for just 37p a pop?"

Ask the minister again today, however, with an election in the offing, and the scarey schools' spiritual leader can be heard singing from an entirely different hymnsheet. It seems an intervention by a famous Mockney TV chef, and the subsequent public outcry, has forced a ministerial u-turn quicker than a Sunny-D-fuelled five-year-old with Attention Deficit Disorder. And as with all members of Opus Hey! — the support group for Government ministers with special needs — Ms Kelly is keen to proselytise, even adopting some of the cheeky chef's knockabout kitchen banter: "I fuc*kin' don't fuc*kin' care if it's a fuc*kin' fuc*k-up! I didn't become a fuc*kin' minister just so's I could fuc*k about! Amen"

Naturally, opposition leaders have rushed to scramble on board the healthy school meals bandwagon, citing parental choice as the vital missing ingredient. The Conservatives are claiming the moral high ground by accusing the Government of opportunism and promising at least as much money for yummy school lunches — including some exciting new recipes of their own "just as soon as we've cooked them up" — should they be elected. When asked by our nutritional correspondent whether or not it was in fact the Tories who themselves scrapped statutory school nosh, a spokesman thundered: "No we didn't. You are insane. Seek help."

Back at Kelly Central, meanwhile, the tub-of-organic-ice-cream-thumbing, vitamin-packed evangelist completely denied that it was pressure from housewives' favourite Jamie "Pukka" Oliver which forced the government's hand, writes Goodbye Mr Chips and Burgers.

"We'd been working on it secretly for ages," said an Education Secretary visibly tearful at the suggestion that Simsbury's pitchman Oliver might take the credit for "the work that my team and I had done on this matter already". To prove her point, Kelly unscrolled an ancient parchment outlining how your kids will benefit from and a born-again, newer New Labour new school dinners policy. The main points contained in the document — which does indeed suggest tireless efforts by Kelly to improve our kiddies' health before the pukka food-worrier was even conceived — can be outlined as follows:

• All unhealthy Turkey Twizxlers will be immediately banned and replaced by Chicken Chucklers which are "now 60 per cent fat free!"
• All children will be taught where food actually comes from. As part of this process, all under-11s will make a series of compulsory visits to Aldi, Netto, and Kwik Save.
• Chips will be purged from all menus — and replaced by the words "reconstituted fried potato chip simulacra".
• Cooking proficiency will be taught to all dinner staff who have become "de-skilled" in essential areas such as carton opening, plastic bag cutting, and tube squeezing.
• Children will be offered high-fibre wheat grass and squeezed sea urchin juice as an alternative to the Sunny D currently compulsory in all lunchboxes. Orange Sunny D will be banned altogether since kiddies may confuse it with a dangerous fruit from the citrus family.
• All those involved with preparing school meals will talk in Mockney, sport naff asymmetric hair styles, swear a lot and ponce around for the press astride a scooter.

Previously

• Sudan 1: What every parent should know
• Eat more chocolate and achieve sporting excellence, stars tell kids
• Food additives hailed as end to child lethargy