 | ||
 |
This is a pub-friendly version of this article — print it out and take it with you down the boozer. |
 |
The original is at http://www.therockalltimes.co.uk/2005/04/04/sperm-donors.html.
UK sperm donors suffer identity crisis
The new implications of the five-knuckle-shuffle
by Roger Sutcliffe
Sperm donors across the UK may soon be getting even hotter under the collar, when they lose their right to anonymity under a new law introduced on 1 April. The new rules mean that gone are the days when a young man could walk in off the street and make an anonymous contribution to the future well-being of the nation. It seems that a quick flick through some "interesting articles", a touch of the old five-knuckle-shuffle... and Bob's your uncle — or quite possibly your dad — may no longer be the end of the matter for our onanistic philanthropists.
As a result of the government's essential legislation, the usual stifled grunts and groans emanating from the the cubicles of the country's sperm banks will soon be complimented by the rattling of abacuses as a vast army of spunk-tionaries set about the thankless task of sorting through countless billions of our fishy friends and issuing tiny ID cards to each one, before the insemination process can begin.
"I'd happily be identified," chirped one particularly assertive little chap, who made the mistake of stopping mid-stream to talk to The Rockall Times. "We only get one chance after all, and if you haven't got the balls its... uummph..." Our conversation ended somewhat abruptly at this point as he found himself brutally shoved aside by a much more cocky individual, intent on a world tail-stroke record.
Later we spoke to the Spunk-a-chief at the world's biggest semen pool. Speaking from inside her wetsuit as she emerged from a morning of full-immersion in the seething mass of stringy white goo, she commented: "Well you get used to it after a while, especially as half of 'em can't swim anyway. Mind you, you get some aggressive little buggers too... Now, if you don't mind I've got the whole of Northamptonshire's ejaculate to sort through by lunchtime... so that's five billion, six hundred and eighty-nine million, four hundred and twenty-nine thousand, three hundred and twelve... oh... er... oh shit! One, two, three..."
Previously
From The Rockall Times Monday 4th April 2005
http://www.therockalltimes.co.uk/.