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  Monday 4th April 2005  Sport   Powered by Yeast Logic
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Refugees flee savage Tyneside violence

Shaken locals fear for their lives
by Janus Motsonius

Thousands of sobbing, exhausted refugees are today reported to be flooding into the Sudanese region of Darfur to escape the mindless violence which threatens to overwhelm their native Tyneside. Eyewitness reports speak of vicious fratricidal slaughter against which the authorities — armed only with red cards and whistles — are virtually powerless to contain.

Analysts confirm that an outbreak of spontaneous fisticuffs between the local Dyer and Bowyer tribes, hitherto allies against neighbouring Sunderland, had acted as a flashpoint for longstanding resentments. Local warlord Graeme Souness has personally intervened to broker a ceasefire between the warring factions, warning of dire consequences if peace is not restored. These are thought to include a £10 fine and no orange at half-time for three matches.

In New York, Kofe Annan last night weighed into the debate warning that Tyneside faced "sanctions, and if that doesn't work, a visit from Jack Straw". One visibly-shaken local, loading his possessions onto a cart so that he and his trembling family might escape the city for the relative safety of the Democratic Republic of Congo, told The Rockall Times: "I fear for my kiddies, I don't mind telling you. One minute we're all just, like, one big happy family, like, and the next people are punching each others' lights out. We'd be better off on a council estate in Beirut."

At a hastily-brokered peace conference this morning, the head of the Dyer tribe said he was "sorry" for any upset he had caused, but quickly weighed into his rival Bowyer with his fists and a Newcastle United novelty hat stand after learning that the latter blamed him for last week's terrible slaughter at the hands of Aston Villa. Troops armed with teargas and war cannon eventually restored order after about an hour.

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