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  Monday 11th April 2005  Science   Powered by Yeast Logic
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Crufts bans 'Frankenstein' breeds

GM dogs spark outrage
by Jeffery Archers-Goon

The dog world was yesterday rocked to its very core by accusations of monstrous "Frankenstein" genetic modification techniques. Leading animal rights protesters claimed dog breeders were "playing God" and pledged to express their annoyment to national newspapers until something was jolly well done about it.

Manipulation of animal sizes, shapes and colours using the top secret GM technique know as "selective breeding" have altered the loving family dog into freakish aberrations, some as small as a large rodent, some standing almost one metre at the shoulder.

"It's monstrous," said one cat lover. "Our once-proud canines have been turned into beasts. And they try and cover it up by hiding these mutations behind so-called 'pedigrees'."

In our own Rockall Times investigation we found dog breeders regularly:

  • Deliberately mated animals with similar traits to create "breeds".
  • Intentionally created creatures with special abilities to do certain menial tasks like racing and rescuing lost hikers.
  • Encouraged "interbreeding" of dogs sharing the same characteristics and rewarded their mutant offspring with a "Pedigree".

Indeed, even the government has been accused of exploiting the "selective breeding" loophole by creating canines specifically to search for drugs and chase criminals. "Some of these poor creatures are trained to run at and disarm gun-toting maniacs high on crack cocaine," said dial-a-celebrity Michael Winner. "What do we pay our police for if they get animals to do their job for them, eh?"

Daft-as-a-brush professional hippy group "Greenpeace" also claim that there is a hidden conspiracy to breed the smarter and more able of the higher apes into a sophisticated primate race called "homo sapiens". "It's been going on for years," said an anonymous source at the organisation's biodegradable underground HQ.

Previously

 Go on then, hard man