There’s fuc*k all on Rockall   57°35’48”N 13°41’19”W
Contact The Rockall Times Mission Statement
  Monday 11th April 2005  Sex   Powered by Yeast Logic
[E] [P] [I]

Rowling to reveal Harry's wand

Potter saga moves into the noughties
by John Hammond

Author JKLMNOP Rowling is set to reveal the Potter Penis, as she moves the Harry Potter story into the noughties, we can exclusively reveal.

Speaking from the top of a huge pile of money, the author defended her decision to graphically describe the popping of Harry's cherry: "Harry's fans have grown up with him. The Philosopher's Stone was written for an audience of eight year olds. That was in 1997, and they are now sixteen. Like Harry, they will have moved on since then. When once they were playing with dollies and train sets , they are now freebasing cocaine and having unprotected sex."

And there are words of comfort from the author for Harry's adult readers: "I have seen many an adult reading my book on the bus or the train. And I have to admit they looked like complete dickheads reading a book meant for kids. But now it's a little bit blue, it's going to do their street cred no harm at all."

Here is an exclusive extract obtained by The Rockall Times:

Hermione was unimpressed. "It's a bit small, Harry," she huffed. "Ron Beasley's is so much nicer looking and thicker than yours, and, well that Hagrid, his is huge: the size of a horse."

"Hermione, you're supposed to work your spell on it," protested Harry, reaching beneath the floorboards and pulling forth an ancient moth-eaten tome. "Razzle magic says the spell to work on it is the 'blow job'."

"Oh why didn't you just say?" said Hermione, sinking to her knees. Hermione knew that the blow job spell was written to confuse the muggles; any wizardess knew that you didn't blow; you sucked.

"Fuc*k me! This is better than Quidditch," Harry exclaimed in appreciation as she worked her magic.

As she nodded back and forth, Hermione couldn't help but think: what if I did blow? And then she blew and her magic breath sparkled its way down his tube. She admired the effect: what once were peas were now walnuts. Enthralled by her power over Harry, she blew again and the hairy nuts swelled to the size of tennis balls.

"One more time and then I'm going to stop," she thought to herself. She remembered the Hogwarts oath that her magic must be used for the benefit of mankind. But what man would turn this down.

Licking her lips she inhaled a huge breath and went down. And she blew and she blew and she nearly blew the house down. She knew that Harry might not be platform 9 ¾ in the trouser department, but his, by now, space hopper size nuts would make him big in Japan. A Bukkake Bonus awaited any girl brave enough.

"Just what on earth is going on here?" The dormitory door swang open and the light came on. Dumbledore had his cane in his hand and looked like he was prepared to use it...

Ladbrokes' have revised the odds on the character to be killed off by JKLMNOP in the next Harry Potter episode. Dumbledore is now 6/5 on favourite. A spokesperson said: "We think he's going to be carried away on a tidal wave of Harry Monk."

Previously

 Girls! Have you had sex with a celebrity?