 | ||
 |
This is a pub-friendly version of this article — print it out and take it with you down the boozer. |
 |
The original is at http://www.therockalltimes.co.uk/2005/04/11/the-games.html.
Channel 4 preps waffle-mongering TV extravaganza
Let The Games begin
by James Frotbox
The nation has been transfixed in recent weeks by an event that encompasses every human emotion from religious fervour and renewed faith to abject despair and cheap sexual gratification. This is not, as some might suppose, the death of His Papal and Holy Popeness and former Krakow Rovers reserve goalkeeper, John Player Special, but the trouser-tingling athletic/aesthetic feast that is Channel 4's The Games.
In a tantalising world exclusive, The Rockall Times can reveal that Channel 4 is about to kick-off with another celebrity version of this winning format, set to star not the usual roster of attention-seeking B-list celebs, but rather attention-seeking A-list politicos.
Viewers recently treated to such sights as muscled scouse thespian Lord Philip Olivier trying to appear modest whilst thrashing fellow competitors into a cocked hat, or Kirsty Gallacher gamely smuggling two barely concealed peanuts from one end of a swimming pool to the other, will be in for a treat as the country's top political minds go head-to-head in this bruising encounter.
Already signed up for the reality series are respective party leaders Tony Blair, Michael Howard and Charles Kennedy, with able team back-up provided by their trusty front-benchers. Gone will be PMQ's to be replaced by various sporting challenges designed to pit one waffle-monger against another.
Eagerly anticipated will be the event entitled "Take Flight", the object of which is to repeatedly sodomise a tethered Howard Flight whilst whistling Dixie. This is one for the party leaders themselves, with Michael Howard's forceful technique particularly fancied in this, his strongest event. He will be keen to stamp his mark on The Games by drawing first blood.
The obligatory sumo wrestling contest will see an intriguing match-up between loud-boy pugilist John "Slugger" Prescott and bob-coiffed bombshell bitch queen Ann Widdecombe. This is sure to be a hotly-contested event, with Prescott mobilising his multiple chins in an effort to raise his game against the upstart Tory tit mountain. This event is strictly a post-watershed broadcast as costume integrity cannot be ensured.
"Tired and Emotional" is the third event, with surely only one winner — Charles Kennedy. The idea here is to consume as much of your chosen tipple as possible within 20 minutes and then give a demanding press conference outlining key policy initiatives. Points are to be awarded to the most consistently incoherent contestant. Given the recent track record of the Lib Dem leader he is a hot favourite to take this one, with barely any discernible words, let alone policies, issuing from the corpulent ginger booze-smith in years. Oh, apart from some farcical pissed-up jest about a local income tax.
On the home stretch contestants will need to be wary of the penultimate event of "Sycophancy". Often a common trap for the unsuspecting moral crusader, this will require participants to defend to the hilt the most outrageous claims and untruths uttered by their respective leaders. Contenders set to line up for this one are Shadowy Chancellor Oliver Letwind and Foreign Secretary Jack "The Twat" Straw, with Straw the strongest likelihood for taking the dis-honours. Although Letwind is likely to launch an opening salvo involving the classic "I give you a categorical assurance" attack, Straw is unlikely to be outmanoeuvred and may defend ably with the classic "Iraq Position". This is the ultimate in defending the indefensible and is a whopper of such huge proportions that the judges may well believe it.
Surprise wildcard entrants will be added to the mix during key events to disrupt the proceedings as much as possible, so viewers should keep their eyes peeled for interfering but well-intentioned appearances from a bronzed David Mellor, rabid Dennis Skinner and a return to the limelight for former Lib Dem deity Paddy Pantsdown.
The televised live final will be taking place on 5 May, with the public vote likely to be crucial to who is eventually crowned king of The Games.
Previously
From The Rockall Times Monday 11th April 2005
http://www.therockalltimes.co.uk/.