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  Monday 11th April 2005  Science   Powered by Yeast Logic
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New Labour deploys serene, low-tax utopian ultrasound weapon

When Sony met Tony
by Morgan Wallace

Entertainment supremos Sony and Labour party election strategists have developed a cunning tool for delivering political messages directly to the brain.

Based on pulses of ultrasound, the tool can alter the firing pattern of neurons in target areas of the brain, and project a serene, low-tax utopian paradise. "The public can be shown the results of voting for Tony without interference by reporters. They are able to see, smell, taste and even feel their fantastic future under the next Labour government," enthused a New Labour spokesman.

"I had no idea the future could be so perfect," said Ivor Peabrain, a floating voter from Totnes. Peabrain is so beguiled by the picture of world peace, high pensions, low interest rates and long hot summers provided by the device, he will definitely vote for Blair. "There's no escaping it, Tony will create heaven on earth," he said.

Conservative activists are upset by the development, suggesting that their election slogan "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" has been made instantly redundant since voters are now thinking what Tony wants them to think.

The Labour spokesman did admit to health concerns surrounding the device, explaining: "We are not sure what the effect of pounding the brain with ultrasound will be, but the few deaths so far from 'utopian overload' are a small price to pay for a secure future free from the grip of Conservative tyranny. When important matters are at stake, the means justify the ends."

He then turned on the device and everyone wholeheartedly agreed.

Previously

 Go on then, hard man