Hey George, where you goin' with that iPod in your hand?

Van Morrison is the on President's headset when he goes for a jog. Nine Inch Nails is the preferred choice for Condoleezza Rice when she's kickboxing, and Dick Cheney chills out to Shakatak. A recent study by the CIA Psychological Unit, leaked to a US website called www.ourleadersdig.com, reveals the music funking out the most powerful man in the world and his trusty cohorts. The findings left liberal and extremist Americans alike flabbergasted at what was pulsating through the lugholes and grey matter of the neo-cons in the Bush administration.

President George Bush Jnr (who no longer likes to be called Dubya because it sounds too much like Libya) downloads his mp3s from Appleinmyi.com. His current top five are:

1. Whisky in the Jar — Thin Lizzy
2. Smokin' in the Men's Room — Blind Lemon Jefferson
3. Whole Lotta Rosie — ACDC
4. Appalachian Girl — Bruce Hornsby and the Range
5. Paradise — David Lee Roth

Meanwhile Secretary of State Condoleezza "Missy Baad" Rice, prefers to beat up her opponents with a selection of downloads from theCrest.ru. Her bangin' 5 are:

1. Die Motherfuc*ker — Ja Rule
2. Burn Stuff — Limp Bizkit
3. Get the Fck Outta Dodge — Public Enemy
4. The Wretched — Nine Inch Nails
5. mObscen — Marilyn Manson

Dick Cheney, recovering from quadruple heart, lung, liver and brain surgery, has been ordered to take it easy by his doctors. He chills with his selection from singsomethingsimple.co.uk:

1. Cool Dude Goin' Down — Shakatak
2. The Lion Sleeps Tonight — Tight Fit
3. Mr Boogy Woogy Flute Playin Man — Sergeant Sixpence
4. Lady In Red (Angelotti Floating Sunshine Mix) — Chris de Burgh
5. If — Telly Savalas

But the most idiosyncratic selection was that on Paul Wolfowitz's iPod. Wolfowitz, who has just been appointed head of the World Bank, startled CIA psychologists by his preferences. His high five downloaded from God knows where include:

1. RubberBandLazer — Klaus Nomi
2. Madhouse — Anthrax
3. Bantam Cock — Jake Thakray
4. King Kong Song — Abba
5. Dancing with the Captain — Paul Nicholas

Ric Mandolynzerini, Editor of US Music Week described the selections as "scary", explaining: "Look at the tunes that badass bitch Missy Rice listens to. I'm tellin ya, I would love to meet her in a dark alley. An she looks so demure when she's in da UN!"

Cameron Wainwright VI, who runs the Minnesota country music radio station WKMVBGTWRFM in Shapahoh, Tennessee told The Rockall Times: "Bush is nearly there and yet so far away. Paradise by David Lee Roth? What the hell's that all about, y'all?" Will Self, Britain's very own existential grumpy old man said: "Cheney is absolutely spot on. Sublime, esoteric. I'm surprised he wasn't president, but then again, maybe he is."

Peter Mandelson, who as Britain's latest EU Commissioner advised the EU on its acceptance of Paul Wolfowitz as head of the World Bank, told us: "Let's not get too carried away by Mr Wolfowitz's selection. The EU commissioners will be making representations to the Bush Administration with a view to reversing our decision. However, I must congratulate Condoleezza Rice's choice. She is one crazy mutherfuc*ka, isn't she?"

Previously

• Millions at risk as iPod cancer panic sweeps planet
• Bush and Kerry to face Bono
• George Dubya Bush is stupid