Liberal Democrats proclaim Second Coming

Although the British public is bracing itself for a bitterly personal and nasty election campaign, nothing has prepared the populace for the latest twist in the battle to win hearts and minds prior to the 5 May polling day. With the contest looking to be a straight two-way falsehood shoot-out between Labour and Conservative parties, the Labial Democrats have been praying for a miracle to lend some credence to their chances.

As The Rockall Times can reveal, though, not even the most optimistic Liberal activist could have anticipated the breathtaking news that with the arrival of Charles Kennedy's first born baby boy, he has proclaimed the return to earthly form of Jesus Christ, Our Saviour.

Christians have long held that the Son of God would one day return to save mankind, and it seems entirely plausible that he would come amid a trumpeting fanfare, draped in swaddling of burnished gold synonymous with the Liberal creed.

Blasphemous mutterings have been voiced in some quarters though, regarding the validity of such claims. One unnamed heretic from the Labour Party cautiously suggested that all was not as it seemed: "Of course New Labour welcome the Second Coming, Gordon's latest budget allowed for it, but it all seems a tad convenient. There was no mention of this in their manifesto, and like many of their election pledges it doesn't appear sufficiently costed or watertight. If it's true though, peace and blessings be on Him."

This was not the only voice of dissent, with many leading Tories suspicious of the news. Party leader Michael Howard stressed: "Let's not be too hasty in our congratulations. After all, we thought this had happened a few years ago when Iain Duncan-Smith became Tory leader. Of course, it transpired that rather than 100 per cent Jehovah spawn, he was in fact one eighth Jap and seven eighths bald."

Leading geneticists have also cast doubt on the candour of Kennedy's claims. Professor Phil McCunnie, genetics expert and gynaecologist to Dolly the sheep, snorted: "Come off it, it's obvious the boy is Kennedy's progeny and not God's son. Anyone can see that he's ginger, fer chrissakes. Have you ever heard of a ginger Jesus?"

Despite this, support for Kennedy's assertions has been widespread. The Vatican has moved quickly to confirm Donald James Kennedy as God's lad, after likely Papal replacement Bono arranged for an investigative team from Rome to look into matters. They were able to irrefutably confirm the claims, and drew attention to the many parallels surrounding the birth of the boy this time around and two thousand years ago.

For starters, there was no room at the inn. The Lib Dem's trusty battle-bus rocked up at the Holiday Inn in Godalming after a long day on the road, Charles and pregnant Sarah (taking time off from her Radio 2 presenting slot) looking forward to a relaxing evening. Imagine their dismay as they found the luxury hotel had no vacancies, and instead had to make do with the nearby squalor of a Travelodge — hardship that can barely be imagined in these opulent times.

Three wise men gathered after the birth to pay homage — Lord Paddy Pantsdown, antiquarian Menzies Campbell and dinky David Steel. Lord Paddy was keen to emphasise the immaculate conception aspect of the episode, stating: "It was indeed a virgin birth by Sarah. Charles has never attempted to impregnate her and is invariably too heavily sauced to manage anything other than fingers and tops. Unlike me and my secretary, heh heh heh."

So, a Liberal Democrat election landslide now seems certain, and with it the salvation of mankind. Amen.

Previously

• Lib Dems wipe down their stain-resistant manifesto
• Snap election prank provokes parliamentary pandemonium
• 'I've got the biggest chopper' — Blair