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  Monday 18th April 2005  Science   Powered by Yeast Logic
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World a-tremble at prospect of Windows 'Hornpipe'

Computer users get the horn
by Roger Sutcliffe

Software giant Microdaft® will soon be giving the world's computer users the horn. The spotty geeks at the Seattle-based firm are said to be jubilant that Windows "Hornpipe" — a new version of the planet's most adorable computer operating system — is set for release sometime in the next year or so.

The much-anticipated update is said to be packed with innovative features, fresh from the legendary Microdaft® Innovation Shoebox. This will be only the second time that the shoebox has been opened in the long history of the company, the first being just before the introduction of the ground-breaking Windows 95, and said to be around the time company founder Sir Willy Gates bought his first Mac.

Most of the new changes are very complicated and have taken place "under the hood". A spokesperson explained: "PC users thrive on complexity. Why have a single mouse-click when it's far easier to use fifteen keystrokes AND a premium-rate phone call to our dedicated Helpline?" Teams of engineers have also spent countless hours working to ensure that inpenetrable error messages, and mind-numbing fault codes, will continue to appear randomly and seamlessly in the Hornpipe release, as will the hundreds of security loopholes required to ensure maximum opportunity for Microdaft®'s anti-virus business partners.

Behind the scenes at the heavily-fortified Microdaft® headquarters, a monumental effort has also been made to discreetly re-package the blissfully tasteful blue, orange and green Windows interface into something even more beautiful. Transparent folder icons, for example, are likely to appear — or not — for the first time, banishing forever the desktop clutter so familiar to users today. Microdaft® has been quick to counter accusations that making folders invisible will make it harder for people to see them, and is said to be introducing an exciting new search tool to counteract this very problem.

"Let's say you want to open your home folder," explained a replacement spokesperson recently arrived via the Windows Update site. "Instead of merely double-clicking the folder — which of course we can't see — we now just simply launch the new search application...here we go...and we type in 'where-the-hell-is-my-goddam-Home-folder'...and...um...ah....now, of course that wouldn't normally happen..."

Here at The Rockall Times, meanwhile, excited sysadmins spent the entire weekend engaged in speculative blogging in an attempt to discern the likely benefits to humanity of Hornpipe. We await the OS's eventual release with barely-concealed excitement.

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