Celebrities have more sex, better sex and sex with more people

The recent revelation by busty Swedish bombshell Victoria Silvstedt that she leads a wild sex life — including having sex on a jet ski with a human pyramid of eleven extravagantly-endowed men — has led many of my regular readers to ask: "Why are celebrities so much better at sex than me?"

Indeed, other queries range from "Why am I never totally satisfied as a woman?" to "Why have I never had torrid intercourse in a bath of alpaca milk aboard a private jet which left me bow-legged for a month?" The answer is simple: Celebrity women are more expert in matters of love than their ordinary, less talented female counterparts.

While the average woman might enjoy one or two gusset-moistening incidents a month, and — if she's lucky — three or four moderate orgasms during her useful reproductive life, famous women are able to bring themselves to shattering climax simply by looking at a tabloid cheque. There are rarely less than totally satisfied as women, are able to accommodate the most hideously empurpled member discharging literally buckets of man juice and, of course, have the added advantage that they are invariably equally attracted to other women — thereby adding another 2.5 billion potential partners with whom they might engage in steamy romps on quad bikes, in the toilets of the New Labour election campaign bus, etc, etc.

Sadly, there is little hope that mere mortals will ever ascend to such heights of sexual fulfilment. We can, however, allow ourselves to dream that one day we too might join the Rockall Times' Magnificent Seven — our alphabetical compilation of the world's greatest exponents of the Art of Love without whom the tabloid press would be a very sorry affair indeed. Read on:

Paris Hilton: Talented, beautiful, rich and wetter between the legs than Banda Aceh on Boxing Day, Ms Hilton has twice had her charms thrust into the public domain — once when she appeared romping with her squeeze in a night-vision hotel room orgy of video lust, and once again when her private mobile phone snaps splattered across the web like a month's worth of Sting's tantric ejaculate. Can orgasm by simply thinking about a Gucci bag.

Angelina Jolie: Ms Jolie recently rocked the media world to the very foundations on which it rests when she revealed that no only did she like a bit of girl-on-girl, but that she was also a certified expert in the matter and able to reduce a whimpering female partner to a state of tremulous, post-orgasmic ecstasy by simply looking at her from a distance of 20 feet. Less talented actresses admit they are completely in awe of Jolie's prowess in both the boudoir and on the silver screen.

Ulrika Jonsson: The Swedish bombshell began life as a sexually-average weathergirl but quickly transformed herself into an insatiable Scandinavian sex machine soon after her first Sun exposé. Jonsson left in her wake a wreckage trail of exhausted footballers and England team managers, none of whom managed to match her voracious appetite for rumpy-pumpy. Has been a bit quiet of late, although we should never rule out a multi-orgasmic tabloid come-back should financial circumstances require it.

Jordan: Young Katie Price made the Guinness Book of Records at the tender age of 24 as the first person in the UK to have had sex with absolutely everyone in the country — a feat made doubly impressive by the fact that she spend half of her time drunkenly flashing her übermams outside London nightclubs for the benefit of baying paparazzi. Now a "happily married mum" who only occasionally finds time for a quick spit roast between bouts of washing nappies and polishing her breasts.

Jodie Marsh: Jordan rival Marsh is considered the archetypal Essex lass — thick, bow-legged and more packed with cream than a deluxe, family-sized can of aerosol whipped cream. She has, however, shown herself to be a canny operator: while Jordan spent half of her time drunkenly flashing her übermams outside London nightclubs for the benefit of baying paparazzi, Marsh spent half of her time drunkenly flashing her übermams outside London nightclubs for the benefit of baying paparazzi as research for her doctoral thesis into sex, celebrity, and the tabloid press. Now professor of Media Studies at London University, Marsh divides her time between grading exam essays and giving hand relief to her more well-endowed students while enjoying a virtually endless stream of earth-shattering climaxes.

Victoria Silvstedt: Pretty much the same as Ulrika Jonsson, although young Vicky never, to our knowledge, presented the weather for the benefit of priapic Sky TV viewers. If she had, she would doubtless have appeared completely naked and having volcanic sex with the producer atop a camera dolly, leaving herself completely satisfied as a woman and the audience in no doubt as to the meaning of "warm front". Very fond of making refererence to "Swedish meatballs" while suggestively sucking on the testicles of someone called Björn.

Abi Titmuss: The former girlfriend of Devil-worshipping John Leslie exploded onto the UK celebrity sex scene by appearing in a video which demonstrated advanced fellatio techniques for wannabe celebs. Has since appeared in 4,200 men's magazines across the UK, invariably promising to have sex with every single reader were it not for her punishing schedule of accidentally flashing her reproductive parts outside London nightclubs for the benefit of baying paparazzi. Known to have sex at least 70 times a day, pausing only to dictate her orgasmic excesses into a tape recorder for later transcription in Men's Maximum Health. Truly the doyenne of celebrity sexperts.

Rowan Raunchbitch is editor of The Erotic Digest

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