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  Monday 25th April 2005  World News   Powered by Yeast Logic
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Europeans hail Benny 16 — first European Pope...

... since JPII became 261st European Pope
by Mitchel Furman and How Tenji

Pope Benny 16: EuropeanIn a dramatic and unexpected turn of events the new head of the Catholic Church is from the continent of Europe, located north of Africa. The billions of faithful crammed into this little pimple on the back of Asia are ecstatic at finally having a home-grown Pope to represent their unique needs and desires which they feel are often overlooked and ignored.

"Having a pope from Europe is certainly a unique opportunity for Europeans to finally have a say in the workings of Catholic doctrines and teachings. There has certainly been a dearth of European voices at St. Peter’s over the past two thousand years. Look to this Pope to make some startling and radical changes," enthused Cardinal Patrick McGloin from Boston.

McGloin continued: "Indeed, for far too long the voices of Europe have been silenced, even though Europe was the birthplace of Christianity. Well, not really the birthplace, but Europe is where they clad Christianity in gold, jewels and top-quality tailoring. True, Jesus may have had a touch of the tar brush about him, but while there were some very strong candidates from Africa and Latin America, the problem there is that the Pope wears white... all white, if you know what I mean."

The greatest challenge facing the Vatican will be where to find space to put the new bust of Benny 16 in the "Hall of European Popes". Although there is plenty of room in the "Hall of Non-European Popes and Popes who Failed to Come up to Scratch", no-one wants to share shelf space with Pope Miltiades — better known as history's greatest monster, for his part in the Lateran Synod in 313 where notorious Caecilianus was acquitted of the obvious crimes against him yet heroic Donatus was condemned as a heretic.

"In any case," admitted a Vatican spokesman, "no-one's been in there for years. We had a bit of a kerfuffle last week when it was rumoured that the conclave was about to elect an African Pope. We had the Swiss Guard running about like headless chickens looking for the keys, but in the end it was a false alarm, thank God."

The spokesman went on to explain that, due to the acute Hall of European Popes space crisis, the Vatican may open a new, Norman Foster-designed wing likely to be dubbed: "The Hall of European Popes who were also Members of the Hitler Youth". He concluded: "We're not expecting a huge number of candidates for housing in the new structure, so it will double up as the German Exterior Ministry."

Meanwhile, although many tearful Catholics are expressing their delight and surprise at Benny 16's ascent to the Papacy, the Vatican may find itself hauled before the European Court of Human Rights in the Hague, reports How Tenji.

Following the unseemly haste with which Benny 16 was appointed last week, a number of claims for discrimination have been lodged citing breaches of employment and equal opportunities regulations. A lawyer speaking for one group of complainants outlined the case to our reporter: "The appointment of the Pope proceeded with astonishing velocity and the process was totally opaque to anyone outside the inner circle. Now, I'm not saying anything underhand went on but where was the job advertised? Do they have an equal opportunities policy? I hope they considered both male and female candidates. People from all ethnic origins should have been offered an equal chance to head the Catholic Church.

"Speaking for myself, I hope that religion did not come into the equation. The Pope is really a CEO, a General manager if you will. Surely administrative ability, perhaps backed by an MBA, would count for far more than years spent in profound contemplation of matters spiritual? Obviously, a general interest in God is an advantage but that's the sort of personal detail which should come out in an interview. The bottom line is, EU law clearly states that you can't specify strong religious convictions as a prerequisite for a job, any more than you can advertise for an 'attractive, bubbly blonde' for a secretarial post.

"Indeed, while some have applauded the decision to hire an old white man, this is likely to cause offence to to young Muslims and Latin-American Satanists who probably feel that the whole thing was rigged from the start and that their application forms ended up in the Sistine Chapel oven."

The Vatican has responded angrily to the claims that it is not an equal-opportunities employer, and yesterday supplied reporters with a page from the Vatican City Weekly News of 15 April showing the quarter-page job advertisement for Pope. "Its perfectly clear, the job he isa open to anyone," said a comedy Italian spokesman. "Isa matter of faith, isa God's purpose, he guide us and we choosea the right man."

Asked by a very angry one-legged black lesbian in a burkha if she stood a chance of a bit of supreme pontiff action, the spokesman admitted she would need to pray pretty hard, get half-a-dozen of saints to sign a letter of recommendation, and cure a couple of hundred lepers before submitting an application. "And getta some a-skin-a-lightenin' cream likka Wacko Jacko," he suggested.

So, while it looks as though the case will run for some weeks, this reporter predicts it will be some years before we can answer the question "Is the Pope Catholic?" with an unequivocal "No she isn't."

Previously

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