Good, solid advice from the Rockall Times

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The original is at http://www.therockalltimes.co.uk/2005/04/25/rockall-cliff.html.

Rockall rocked by Cliff Richard cliff miracle apparition

Pope Benny cancels Vatican leave and elevates Sacred Islet to 'Holy'

by Roger Sutcliffe

Thousands of excited female 60-somethings are expected to flock to the remote islet of Rockall in the coming months following the miraculous appearance of a holy sign, which believers say shows a striking resemblance to that of Our Lord and Saviour — and 108-year-old rock legend — Saint Cliff Richard. The miracle, which many believe presages the "second coming", occured at about 6.30 last Tuesday evening and was first spotted by none-other than Rockall's own spiritual leader, Bishop "Shi*t-Strafer" d'Cormorant, who was returning to refuel after a late-afternoon patrol.

The area, which has already become known locally as "Cliff cliff", "The Cliff-Face" or simply "Cliff", is understood to have already been cordoned-off on the instructions of the bishop, to prevent souvenir hunters from removing the very fabric of the Islet, and, as the bishop so succinctly put it, "to ensure suitably reverential safeguards are established whilst we leverage maximum commercial potential not just for myself of course, but for the diocese as a whole".

Our artist's impression of how we believe the Cliff cliff may look

The holy apparition, whose likeness to the superstar Wimbledon doyen is said to be "startling", will of course result in a major headache for the organisers of this year's Rockall Ho! expedition, whilst further repercussions are already being felt elsewhere around the world. Managers at Apple iTunes are reporting a massive rise in demand for downloads of Our Saviour's most popular melodies, whilst fake "Cliff" artefacts appeared on e-Bay within minutes of the miracle occuring.

On hearing the remarkable news, newly-installed Pope Benny Dick immediately cancelled all Vatican leave in order to ensure that papal phone lines could be manned 24/7. The evil-eyed pope, for whom the apparition threatens to overshadow his recent inauguration, was quick to declare the image an "official miracle", before startling his Sistine Chapel audience by bursting into his own version of the popular Cliff song It's So Funny, How We Don' Fuc*k, Anymore heard so rarely in Latin, and said to have been his personal favourite since 1946.

Previously

From The Rockall Times Monday 25th April 2005 http://www.therockalltimes.co.uk/.