Enraged exorcists savage UKIP

A chance remark by comedian Steve Day on a Radio 4 consumer affairs programme has embroiled the UK Independence Party in a furious row with Britain's £30bn exorcism industry. Having reviewed the disability policies of the three leading parties in the run up to the general election, You and Yours presenter Winifrid Robinson read out a statement by UKIP which could only offer free taxi travel to "the old, infirm and blind". A flabbergasted Steve Day, who is deaf, was surprised that they had failed to include "those possessed by demons".

Within twenty four hours the president of the Council of British Exorcists condemned UKIP as "insensitive, ignorant and trapped in a past that existed only in Charles Dickens novels". In an interview with The Rockall Times the CBE supreme leader, Malechi Eaglemont, castigated Roger Knapman, head of UKIP for being stingy with compassion: "No-one likes to get in a taxi with someone who is possessed. These people need equality just like everyone else."

On the defensive, Knapman responded by suggesting that Eaglemont was "a raving nutter", a remark that has now been added to a long list of election gaffes as Malechi Eaglemont was possessed for three years with a daemon known only as Both Mthrrumoth. Since his remark was made to a twenty stone Daily Mail journalist [sic], friends of Mr Knapman have said that it now rains permanently in the living room of his Somerset home.

A letter-writing campaign is to be organised by CBE members who are hoping to unseat Mr Knapman from his Treborne Pugle North constituency. However, as he isn't a sitting Member of Parliament the exorcists are resigned to their campaign failing at the first hurdle.

A leading parapsychologist at the University of Walsall has also questioned the mental state of UKIP's 38 members. Professor Alex Pyles, who once described television celebrity chef Nicholas Witchall as "a bloody awful man", cast doubt on the collective sanity of the anti-European party: "Jonny Foreigner hating halfwits. I saw their party conference at the Vera Lynn Tearooms in Harrogate last year and I don't think I'd ever seen so much gnashing of teeth and foaming at the mouth. I even saw one chap have a hysterical screaming fit when he was served ham salad on a French baguette."

I managed to interrupt Mr Knapman as he affronted potential voters during a walkabout in Grimsby. I asked him if those possessed by daemons would benefit under a UKIP government. "They won't get a penny, and if they're foreign they'll get even less," came the reply, after which Knapman was ushered away to a waiting Toyota and sped off towards Goole. Local taxi driver Bert Cross, when questioned about UKIP's disability policy replied: "It's all the same to me guvnor, wevver they comes from Peckham High Street or Tootin'. If theys can pay their wack they can pay their wack. Foamin' at the marf or woteva." When asked if he was a resident of Grimsby he replied: "I'm from Tottenham, mate. Now you payin' for this cab or wot?"

Two hours later, a hastily-published press release by UKIP stated: "In order to settle this matter and nip it in the bud this is a definitive list of people who will benefit under a UKIP government: the old, infirm, blind, those possessed by daemons, cripples, deaf mutes, those plagued by the bile, matchgirls, urchins, toothless crones, village spinsters, retired colonels, maiden aunts, freaks and the malformed, peg legs, four eyes, jug eared, the paralytic, lepers, those cursed by shakes and tremors, people with large heads, a club foot or severe left handedness." The statement was signed by Roger Knapman and endorsed by his friend, Terence.

Professor Germaine Greer (68) was unable to give her reaction.

Previously

• Jacques Chirac joins UKIP
• Joan Collins joins UKIP
• Campaigners cheer bold Trafalgar Square plinth decision