Top comedian admits leaving scene of accident

One of Britain's best-loved comedians has admitted to leaving the scene of an entire series of serious accidents but denied that excess consumption of alcohol was responsible for the carnage.

Several independent witnesses have confirmed that top funnyman Jimmy Carr was clearly seen repeatedly appearing on the Friday Night Project — and acting in such a way as to make a disaster inevitable.

"It's not often that a criminal returns to the scene of the crime again and again, but we submit that this is exactly what Mr Carr did," stated Chief Inspector Wiggins of the Metropolitan Police. "This was a most grave incident of the kind that must be stamped out by way of an exemplary punishment."

The evidence had to be painstakingly gathered as an initial police call for help found very people. "Many witnesses were apparently the victims of self-intimidation," explained one sympathetic WPC. "Admitting that you watched the Friday Night Project not just once but over and over again is deeply embarrassing and not the sort of thing many people want to be known."

In court last week, Carr conceded that he might have been in the television studios at the times mentioned but flatly denied the more serious claims made against him.

"There was no serious accident and no evidence that I was drunk. I might have seemed that way during transmission but in fact I only got drunk after the programme was transmitted. Every time," he stated.

Carr refused to comment afterwards and left court in the company of his good friend Vic Reeves who told reporters they would be "driving to a local pub in my Merc to have a few celebratory halves".

Previously

• Billy Connolly walks on Ken Bigley murder rap
• Taskforce to eject Jim Davidson from Falklands
• Government pulls off major comedy coup