General Election 2005™ — Are you still floating?

Our at-a-glance guide to the main contenders

by Bob Wallet

With just days to go to the general election there are still people who haven't made up their minds which way to vote. The technical term for these individuals is "floating voter", but in real everyday English the name is "ditherer". So, for all you ditherers who wouldn't know the wrong decision if it came up and bit your arse off, here is The Rockall Times' handy guide to the major parties prostituting themselves for your vote on 5 May.

We would like to add an important note at this point: The Rockall Times is politically non-partisan. The following guide is printed without prejudice and is not intended as a substitute for in-depth analysis of the competing parties' manifestos. May contain traces of nuts. If in doubt, consult a trained professional before voting. Your statutory rights are not affected. Unless you vote Labour. Or Conservative.

	NuLabour — aka The War Party: Elite metropolitan shirt wearers whose main strength is to talk the talk. Vote for more targets (recent examples have been Basra, Baghdad, Faluja, etc), acrobatic flip-flopping on transport policy, housing stock transferred from villages to cities, dinner parties, rising inflexions at the end of sentences and infectious inane grinning; eg Jack Straw, Hazel Blears, Austin "Haddock" Mitchell. Note: contrary to popular belief the war in Iraq was probably not illegal which means Tony Blair is probably not a war criminal.
	Conservative — aka The All Night Party: Pole-straight backbones with a collective penchant for the Scissor Sisters. Robust immigration control coupled with equal rights for foxes. This is the party of modern art and well adept at utilising digital technology to airbrush themselves out of difficult situations. Ignore the Hammer Horror line-up of Dracula, Doris Karloff, Johnny Redwood et al. The party of opportunity and opportunism.
	Liberal Democrats — aka The Nicey People: Jam, blancmange, jelly, Turkish Delight, marzipan, butter, chewing gum, plasticene, blu-tac, putty. The Lib Dems have the pliancy and flexibility to fill any gap not occupied by the behemoths of NuLabour and the Tories. Everyone with more than a lot of money will pay more tax to finance free education, free health care, free transport and free chewy sweets such as Chewits.
	UK Independence Party — aka The Loveable Rascals: Verily they will issue forth great testament to protect our shores from the sulphuric breath of Johnny Foreigners everywhere. Village greens will be repainted, Isambard Kingdom Brunel will be disinterred. Pillar box red will become the colour of the England football shirt as God intended and a new building programme of madhouses will be instigated, paid for with the money saved from not being in the EU.
	Veritas — aka Ipsum Factum Psychotica: Et deus nominum id pallum suna. De totarium lectum orangum Robert Kilroy-Silk, ecteus nesi dis UKIP monstrum. Ecuus totalus eb deis Arab wife stranglers, maleficarum EU parliamentus knobbus et daytim punctur sputum et aluminium utero vacuum.
	British National Party — aka Oi!: Extreme patriots who plan a major reconstruction of the Health Service staffed entirely by English nursemaids. A new concept of defence policy with Britain defended by a home guard of Uzi-toting lager drinkers. Union Jack tattoos will be compulsory, but do not have to be placed in visible areas of the body. Strangely silent on the issue of asylum and immigration.
	Plaid Cymru — aka a Welsh Party: Main core policies centre around voting for Welsh people. Single issue party concentrating on the subject of the Welsh rugby team and its reinstatement as the only occupants of the Millennium Stadium in Cardiff.
	Scottish National Party — aka a Scottish Party: Main core policies centre around voting for Scottish people, but not in Midlothian. Single issue party concentrating on the subject of the Celtic and Rangers football teams being allowed to play outside of Scotland, preferably La Liga in Spain.
	Greens — aka Woolly Pullies and Bicycles: A holistic approach to social issues which include the banning of cars, cheap flights, heat, treated water, electricity, brick houses, supermarkets and carefully selected people. They have abandoned the old defence policy of growing a large hedge around Britain's coastline in favour of tactical nuclear missiles which are quicker and more fuel efficient. May form an alliance with Veritas if there is a hung parliament.
	Ulster Unionists — aka Trimble Tremble party: Currently regrouping.
	Democratic Unionist Party — aka NonPapal Anti-christ Party: The Dr Sir Reverend Ian Paisley is leading DUP policy away from its hard line SinnFeinIRA-bashing strategy to a more softly softly social inclusion agenda. No Irish Assembly in favour of round robin consultation on a range of issues, free bus passes to the elderly, a moratorium on burning Catholic churches and a statement calling for the end to ya-boo politics.
	Sinn Fein — aka The IRA: Opposition to the growing of GM crops, pegging the pound to the dollar instead of the Euro, a target to increase GDP by 2.9 per cent per year for five years with a review in 2010. Stricter regulation of the speculative trading of futures and high yield government bonds. A pledge to eliminate adult illiteracy by 2008 and the return of free school milk.

Other parties who have yet to publish their manifestos include: The Natural Law Party, the Wake Up Shropshire! party, the Katie Dereham Monarchist Succession party, the Bob Willis Independent Alliance and the Sellotape party.

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General Election 2005™ — Are you still floating?

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