Extreme walking: A manifesto for our times

Walking with Purpose for the urban gentleman

by Ian Ascough

Over the last month a few of us have been developing a new urban travel paradigm. Okay, so it was more like two of us. Fine, it was mostly me on my own but never mind all that, the important thing is the new paradigm.

It has come to my attention of late that there is a staggering number of people who have no concept of proper, purposeful walking; a number of staggering people if you will. Once I'd made this acute observation, the staggering numbers have seemingly increased by the day. Bad-walking is a pandemic disease. Today for instance, as I strode purposefully across Waterloo Bridge on my way to squander eight hours of my life at work (I'm paid, able to wear a suit, and it gets me out of the house), a rotund gentleman who looked disturbingly like a face from the sex offenders register and was certainly far too fat to be wearing tight, striped cotton trousers came staggering out of nowhere in an effort to impede my steady progress.

"Gracious me, sir, first day on your new feet?" I enquired, with a fair degree of incredulousness and melodrama. "Piss off," came his stertorous reply. I would have thought a man his size would have been able to take criticism on the chins. At this point I nonchalantly suggested that he obviously spent so much time with his head wedged between his buttocks that his vision had been obscured by the reflection of his own putrid entrails. This witty retort would have been rather good were it not for the fact I didn't think of saying it until half a mile away. I had chosen my path and had diligently, purposefully stuck to it. This heaving, sweaty, mountain of a man had, with no prior warning, invaded my space so abruptly that he caused me to veer violently and almost... almost... have to skip a step like Christopher Reeve at Aintree.

Now then, keeping in mind the words of that famous Irish prospector Oscar Wilde: "If you don't strike oil in the first two minutes, stop boring," it's about time I got to the gist of this manifesto. Purposeful Walking. In much the same way as rugby is a brutish game played by gentlemen and football is a gentleman's game played by brutes, Purposeful Walking or, if you would prefer and, as the newly-formed sub-committee has suggested, Extreme Walking, is a gentleman's endeavour.

A proponent of this pastime must not consciously set out to "walk someone purposefully" if, for no other reason than the fact that it is grammatically abhorrent. Deliberate and overly-aggressive walking is in no way sanctioned by the phenomenon's governing body and anyone found to be flaunting the rules of the recreation known as Extreme Walking will be barred from the small but ever-growing network of disillusioned walkers the world over.

Exhibit A — How to Walk:

The Extreme Walker is walking purposefully down the road and has chosen his/her route or "channel" (Extreme Walking is not burdened by constraints of sexism or, indeed, ageism though applications from males in the lucrative 18-35 advertising demographic will be prioritised in order to ensure optimum exposure, as well as financial recompense, for the phenomenon and its founding member). The Extreme Walker must be aware at all times that bad walking can occur spontaneously and, as such, be prepared when a bad walker unwittingly makes his or her presence known. When the Extreme Walker is cut off, suffers from a person in front stopping abruptly and thereby impeding any further progress to the Extreme Walker, or is faced with someone veering unannounced from another channel entirely, justice must be meted out swiftly, without sacrifice and by any means necessary. It's the only way they'll learn.

A forearm smash to the head, for instance, of someone who stops abruptly and without warning. A deftly delivered elbow to the temple of whoever attempts the poor walking decision of thinking there is enough room in one man's perambulant channel for another. Someone carving up the Extreme Walker and impeding his further purposeful progress could be swiftly informed of their thoughtless indiscretion by a sharp toe so far up the backside of the bad-walker that the PW could perform a tonsillectomy with his toes.

Once the Extreme Walker has delivered the silent but resolutely physical notification of their unhappiness at the display of bad-walking he (or, of course, she) must continue their trajectory in a calm and purposeful manner. The fault is never with the Extreme Walker. The Extreme Walker never looks for bad-walkers and is, in principle, acting on behalf of the public as a whole. It's the only way they'll learn.

Exhibit B - How not to Walk:

The Extreme Walker sees a man who looks as though he's stepped straight out of the pages of an underpants catalogue. Smirking and talking too loudly in an effort to be seen as well as heard, if ever anyone deserved to be beaten to within an inch of his worthless and unnecessary life it is he. The Extreme Walker, with this in mind, deliberately changes course, pivots and swivels and catches the underpants model with a sturdy shoulder under the chin. WHACK! This kind of behaviour, while completely understandable, WILL NOT BE TOLERATED by the Extreme Walking Bunchalliance and will result in immediate expulsion and a lifelong ban.

It is the domain of the Extreme Walker to educate, not maim and hospitalise. We are gentlemen and are required to enlighten. We are not common-as-garden thugs with no pedigree or good breeding. Extreme Walkers are pillars of their communities and our ranks now boast (since I began writing this, in fact) barristers, judges, Conservative MP's, musicians, scientists, children’s television presenters, members of the clergy, and a famous physicist who is required to speak through a little box that makes everything he says sound like a record by angst-ridden-beat-combo, Radiohead.

Exhibit C — Accidental hospitalisation:

We, the Extreme Walking Grand Wizard Conglomerate, are aware that, in the course of an every day's walking, some instances in which hospitalisation is required will occur. These instances will be dealt with on a case-to-case basis and disciplinary action will be decided by the local bonded representative of the Extreme Walking Grand Wizard Conglomerate (check your Yellow Pages for a representative near you). In some cases punitive measures will be taken to ensure the wholesome, familial image of Extreme Walking is maintained while in other instances the Extreme Walking Official Extreme Walker badge will be confiscated. In others, flowers will be sent to the bereaved on behalf of the Bunchalliance of Extreme Walking.

Exercise 1.

Do you have what it takes to join the Extreme Walking Foundation? Faced with the following scenario, which recourse would you choose? Please elect only one option by circling your selection on your monitor.

Walking purposefully through Trafalgar Square on your way into the Captain's Arms for a pint of Old Wifebeater, three adolescent Italian tourists flagrantly dissect your passage all the while giggling and in complete oblivion to your presence.

Do you..?

Ponder the exuberance and tender frivolous nature of youth and make a mental note to read some of Yeats’ poetry later that evening in front of a roaring fire.
Lash out with a full-volley to the shins of the closest libertine thus rendering her prone and screaming in spasms of misery while screaming extravagantly: "That will learn you for carving me up you Roman scoundrel! Back from whence you came, you abstemious continental and incorrigible miscreant, there is nothing for you here!"
Lash out with a full-volley to the shins of the closest libertine thus rendering her prone and screaming in spasms of misery and, taking care to step over the resupine caitliff so as not to excoriate your new bespoke Saville Row brogues, purposefully continue your journey using your original thoroughfare. It's the only way they'll learn.

If you circled "A" then may I suggest, on behalf of the Bunchalliance of Extreme Walking, that you effect to arrange yourself as close to the roaring fire as possible, preferably within it to experience the full flavour of Yeats' works.

If you circled "B" then may I suggest, on behalf of the Bunchalliance of Extreme Walking, you seek the counsel of an appropriate anger-management professional and that your jingoistic predilection is distressing particularly when directed at someone from a country with such a fine and storied modern military tradition.

If you circled "C" on your monitor you clearly have the enterprise and nous to become a successful Extreme Walker. We'd love to hear from you and would welcome you into the Foundation with vibrant enthusiasm. Please send your monitor, as proof of successful completion of Exercise 1, to:

75 Plough Way,
London,
SE16 7AE.

In conclusion, Extreme Walking is something everyone can have a go at but, like playing the bagpipes, this in itself is not enough to mean everyone should. You get the idea.

About the author:

Ian Ascough gained his Ph.D in 'Medium-Term Affects of Alcoholic Consumption' in 1997. He then spent five years working in the role as Hangover Recovery Controller with the Church of England. The correspondent has himself experienced over 1,534 hangovers and is recognised and the UK's leading authority on the subject.

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