General Election 2005 — The unanswered question

Motherhood or apple pie?

by How Tenji in the post-election maelstrom

As results of the 2005 election came through it became clear that the burning question in British politics — motherhood or apple pie? — remains unresolved. Parties have starkly different policies on this key question and it had been hoped that the election would provide an answer once and for all.

Outlining their policies one last time before throwing their manifestos away and doing what the hell they like the party leaders were united in their profound disappointment that the electorate had given no clear answer.

Tony Blair, who had campaigned on a "No motherhood without apple pie" ticket was unclear which part of his message had failed to enthuse electors. "Maybe we failed to appeal to the mother who dislikes apples?" he mused. "Or perhaps the Brigit Jones voter misunderstood and thought they had to have children before they could have pie."

"Still," he concluded, "we may have lost some support but we are still in power so we have another four years get the recipe right."

Michael Howard, who had taken a surprisingly firm line with the "No foreign apples in our pies, thank-you mother!" campaign was pleased with his increased share of the vote but disappointed not to have taken control. He speculated to our reporter: "Maybe we shouldn't have implied that mother made the pie? It seemed such a neat slogan half an hour after closing time in the Red Lion but I see now how we could have alienated the more independent spirited lady voter."

"Mind you, the British apple growers were delighted, got right behind us they did. Shame there are only six of them left," He concluded.

Charles Kennedy insisted throughout the election that he was in favour of more choice in issues of both motherhood and apple pie and that he was vehemently opposed to compulsory custard (a policy favoured by some Tory hard-liners). "Look," he said to reporters earlier in the week, "I'm a new dad and there is no way I am going to force apple pie on my wife. She chose motherhood, that's fair enough, but I can see no reason why apple pie should even be discussed, at least until the baby is sleeping through the night."

Getting into his stride, and with nothing to lose, he continued: "The day will dawn, before too long, when we will ask if the two issues need to be linked at all? Now I know that sounds radical but I see no reason, in this day and age, why we can't have a real choice. Think of bacon and eggs, tea and cake even bread and butter. All political hot potatoes in their time but now accepted as just a normal part of a healthy democratic debate."

Tony Blair will have his work cut out over the next parliament as Labour rebels smell weakness and begin to promote their own private agenda. John Prescott, for one, is asking if the pie has to be apple and could he have more than one? David Blunkett indicated that he wasn't that bothered about apple pie…

Veritas' "No to apple strudel" message proved to be too much for the vast majority of British voters to stomach leaving Kilroy-Silk with egg on his face.

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General Election 2005 — The unanswered question

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