Labour secures Historic Victory™

Both a victory, and historic — but what does it mean for Britain?

by our political analysis bureau

The dust has settled, the swingometer is back in its box and as Britain recovers from a month of pre-election excitement almost beyond human endurance, we at The Rockall Times ask the following: what does this election actually mean for Britain?

Yes, its historic victory time again — with Tony Blair's New Labour corporation claiming a historic third consecutive victory; a victory which will in future generations be remembered as both a victory, and a historic one to boot.

But that's for future generations to enjoy. For us living in the here-and-now aftermath of Labour's historic victory, future history is something we have to contend with today, and indeed for the next five years.

Here, then, is our cut-out-and-keep guide to what you, the voters*, can expect from a post-historic-third-victory Labour government:

Democracy

Never in the history of our Sceptred Isle have the prospects for personal freedom seemed so sunlit and bright. Government proposals for the next five years are designed to ensure that we Britons continue to enjoy the kind of liberties our forefathers could only have dreamt of — and if it takes compulsory ID cards, a national DNA database and a CCTV camera in every home to ensure that paedophile raghead terror maniacs bearing biological weapons cannot destroy Everything We Hold Dear™, the by the Lord Harry and St George, genial Home Secretary Charles Clarke is the man to wield the sword. Praise be.

Health

Tony Blair doesn't smoke and he doesn't want you to, either. Expect a nationwide clampdown on smoking in public backed by a national advertising campaign entitled "Stub it out and go to church", extolling the virtues of deeply-held Christian beliefs (preferably Catholic) while warning that nicotine eventually leads to heroin addiction, paedophilia and suicide bombing. Binge drinking also faces a legislative kick in the 'nads, while the effects of car emissions and food additives on the public health will be ignored — in the former case because voters like cars a lot; in the latter because there's big money involved.

Education

Every right-minded parent knows that education is at the very top of the New Labour agenda — right behind "protecting democracy" and "stamping out smoking". Radical plans to overhaul the national curriculum to better serve the needs of a 21st century Britain include the following compulsory lessons for all schoolchildren:

Infant classes to benefit from a colourful book of fairy tales entitled How Mr ID Card beat Goran the Albanian, dole-scrounging, swan-roasting paedophile.
Children over 12 to enjoy extra classes on Britain's glorious military history since 1997. Expect ripping yarns of Weapons of Mass Destruction™, and a Britain threatened with annihilation by anthrax-bearing nuclear weapons delivered by a cackling, maniacal despot from a palatial underground complex somewhere in Arab land.
David Blunkett to travel the UK to warn teens of the dangers of sex with multiple partners and the possible consequences of unprotected intercourse.

In addition to the above, Labour MPs have pledged to reduce the teacher-pupil ratio in all the country's comprehensives by sending their children to top-ranking grant-maintained educational establishments or — in a selfless gesture to further relieve the burden on the taxpayer — private schools.

Housing

Middle-class voters need not fear that their metropolitan dinner parties will be reduced to an embarrassed silence by a stalled housing market. Expect the excited chatter to continue as normal as the value of the property you bought in 1995 for three-and-sixpence reaches £3.4m after rising a record 14 per cent in the one hour you spent in Sainsburys exploring the exciting world fusion cuisine range of sun-teased jojoba infusions and Japanese virgin-thigh-rolled wakame slices.

The environment

Solar power, wind farms, hydrogen-powered cars, cold fusion and recycling Sunny D containers — these are just a few of the things which might promise a brighter, cleaner future for all our kiddies. They might, but that's not where the environmental front line is as of right now. The actual battleground is the rolling green fields of Middle England, no longer protected from ruthless urban exploitation by selfless armies of horse-borne toffs with dogs. Indeed, rural experts predict that unless Labour repeals its ban on fox hunting, then one-in-four of farriers could be forced to seek alternative employment by 2010, leading to the total collapse of the rural economy and misery for millions. On the plus side, the subsequent availability of abandoned farms at knock-down prices would herald a truly golden age of new-build, neo-Georgian estate complexes for countryside-loving commuters.

War

Britain is a belligerent nation, and that's how we like it. Tony Blair piled into Iraq, guns blazing from the hip and the voters love him for it. Cue further excursions into Iran, Somalia, Syria and Chad, shoulder-to-shoulder with our fearless American allies. Not North Korea, though, because they have nuclear weapons and are mates with the Chinese.

Sex

Finally, the big one. A Rockall Times poll reveals that — prior to Labour ousting the Tories in 1997 — UK couples had sex on average just twice a year, normally on their birthdays. Now, however, the sexy ambience of New Labour has the entire population going at it like jack rabbits. Women today orgasm an incredible 274 times annually, producing 36 per cent more love juice per orgasm than under John Major's Conservatives. Male ejaculate, meanwhile, now averages 1.23 teaspoonsful. During the extended reign of Margaret Thatcher, the man on the street could expect to pump out a modest 1.17 teaspoonsful, containing just 3.2 billion viable sperm. Single voters, too, have expressed themselves well satisfied with New Labour. Forty-two per cent of males say they have a more fulfilled masturbatory experience under a socialist regime, and a cracking 74 per cent of women express themselves "more totally satisfied as women" when indulging in a bit of solo box-teasing under Tony Blair. How much better can it get?

*Those of you who didn't vote can expect pretty much the same, but without the right to moan incessantly about the government's shortcomings to a rapt audience of fellow drinkers in your local hostelry.

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