Fans fear for future of Manchester United (Pub-friendly) [The Rockall Times]

News that US multi-zillionaire Malcolm Glazer has taken control of much-loved Manchester United has sent shockwaves through supporters' groups. With the fearsome business history of Glazer and his record of investing solely for profit there are fears for the future of the Reds. The club could change from being run for the benefit of the average devotee from Thailand — as it is now — into a rapacious money machine solely concerned with maximising revenue yield.

Some controversial proposals that Glazer's advisers are understood to be considering are:

Regularly changing the style of the team's shirts for no good reason other than to make fans buy new replica kit every season.
Running a bland and banal subscription-only television channel to increase revenue.
Opening various grotesque merchandising superstores around the world to vend as much product as possible.
Increasing the price of a ticket from the current three-and-sixpence to an astounding £25-45.

"Things will never be the same if this ever happens," said one ashen-faced Australian who once almost took a tour of the ground when on holiday in the Lake District and who has worn a "Djemba-Djemba" shirt every since.

However, a spokesman for Glazer has insisted that the new owner "really only wants what's best for the club", adding: "Mr Glazer will be seriously rooting for the team along with everyone else if they get to the Superbowl."

Meanwhile, addressing an enormous group of cheering accountants in Tampa Bay, Glazer is reported to have said: "This a great day for Manchester Soccer Club and we hope to kick some ass. To start with we will be renaming the ground New Trafford to show that this is a new beginning. I hope that this gesture will be welcomed by the fans." The rest of his words were drowned out by a-whooping and a-hollering as those present chanted "U-S-A! U-S-A!".

Fans fear for future of Manchester United

Previously