New Tory shadow cabinet makes waves (Pub-friendly) [The Rockall Times]

Michael Howard has set the seal on his fabulous triumphant loss in the recent General Election by unveiling a radically different selection of movers and shakers in the Shadow Cabinet to lead the Tories to a record fourth defeat. Out go centenarians Dogfish Blue, Sir Hector Blythe-Spirit-Level, and Lord Marmaduke to be replaced by what is being called by the Daily Telegraph "the best of young Britain".

So who are they, then, the new breed of Tories all set to turn the UK blue in four years' time?

Gregory Rathpick

Only 33, Rathpick reputedly made his fortune selling surplus human organs to the NHS but has now moved into politics to "give something back". Rathpick has been given the plum post of Shadow e-Bay Secretary and is very pleased with himself.

Tarquin Unctuous

Only 32, Unctuous was "something in the City" but has now moved into politics due to the sudden death of his business partner in mysterious circumstances and several unwelcome visits by the Inland Revenue. He has been given the plum post of Shadow Minister for Tax Evasion.

Hydro Power

Only 31, Power was a successful asset-stripper before taking up politics "to win a bet with a friend I met down the pub". Holds strong views on drugs although no one knows what they are. His seat of Digits & Widgets is the 422nd most marginal in the country. Has been given the plum post Shadow Minister for Risk Assessments.

Melissa Jodphur

Only 30, Jodhpur was the unexpected victor in her seat in the slums of Berkshire and has now been fast-tracked to her post to demonstrate Conservative "inclusiveness". Previously worked in PR and called everything "super" but has described Tony Blair as "a very, very horrid man". Likes shooting and fishing but not necessarily in that order. Has been given the plum post of Shadow PA.

Mumbo Jumbo

Only 29, Jumbo is the Conservatives first ever parliamentary Uncle Tom. Has shrugged off the misguided criticism that changing his name from Joe Smith — "to help people identify who I am" — was in anyway a mistake. Has been given the rotting fruit post of Shadow Minister for Mouse Mats and is expected to be demoted just as soon as all the fuss dies down.