NHS surgical outsource: How it works in practice

The announcement by new health minx Patricia Hewitt — formerly Trade and Industry Secretary but now bringing her industrial expertise to bear on the NHS — that surgery waiting lists will be be shortened by outsourcing jobs to the private sector, has met with widespread public approval.

What the public does not know, however, is that the government has been running a pilot scheme in London's Bethnal Green for the last three months. We rang the clinic to find out how the plan works in practice:

Kwik-fit: Hello, Kwik fit orthopaedics, tyres, exhausts and general surgery. Wayne speaking, how may I help?
Rockall Times: I've been on an NHS waiting list for a new hip since 1964 and I understand you do NHS work.
KF: Yes mate, we could fit you in next Thursday afternoon.
RT: Could you do this morning?
KF: Sorry, our surgeon is at college in the morning doing his GNVQ in advanced clutch replacement.
RT: Ok, Thursday afternoon then. How long will I be in for?
KF: Depends really on how the ramps are tied up. We've got a bloke in for gall bladder on ramp two, he'll be there all day. He's having the brake pads on his Mondeo done at the same time, so that's ramp one for the morning. You should be alright for ramp three, walk straight on at two o'clock and home for tea.
RT: Sounds great!
KF: If I could take some details. Is it right or left knee?
RT: Er... hip, left hip.
KF: Bloody hell, ticked the wrong box. We could do the knee at the same time. Once you're on the ramp and opened up it won't take a minute.
RT: Do you think I need it?
KF: Well, hard to say without having a look. Any pain? clicking? stiffness?
RT: Sometimes, if I've been walking a lot.
KF: Probably about to go then, often get that with the pre-1950 models, hip goes and the knees follow. I'll put you down for both and if it looks OK when we open it up then we won't bother.
RT: Thanks.
KF: Any particular hip? We normally fit a Uni-part stainless steel job, nice hip, got one myself, but its a bit "firm" if you're doing a lot of off-road.
RT: I do a bit of gardening.
KF: No kick-boxing or ballet?
RT: Not recently.
KF: Ok, I'll put you down for the standard light gardening model. What about the knee?
RT: What have you got?
KF: Well the NHS will only pay for your basic B&Q hinge type, its OK but can squeak if you don't oil it. You could pay the difference and have a Munroe high-impact, low-recoil knee. On special offer this week, buy the knee and we do your cataracts half price.
RT: Cataracts? My eyes are fine.
KF: You sure? If the eyes pack up next week you'll be kicking yourself, well not with a B&Q knee you won't, but it would be a shame to miss the deal.
RT: I'll just wait 'til you have another offer — keep an eye on the paper.
KF: Whatever; so long as you are sure you'll still be able to read with those cataracts...
RT: My eyes are fine.
KF: Sure, they all say that... Anything else?
RT: Do you do pacemaker batteries?
KF: Do you want to fit it yourself?
RT: Could I do that?
KF: Should be ok — if you're quick.
RT: No. I'll just have the hip and the knee.
KF: Munroe knee?
RT: OK.
KF: Cataracts?
RT: No, I told you my eyes are fine.
KF: Look, if you have the cataracts done on special offer I could get the pacemaker battery fitted for free.
RT: Oh, go on then you've talked me into it.
KF: Right, see you Thursday. My name is Wayne and your surgeon will be Craig or Terry.

Previously

• Poor man shot jumping hospital waiting list
• First completely happy NHS patient unveiled
• Jesus H. Christ we're all going to die!